Is My Child A Monster? A Parenting Therapy Podcast

This is part 3 of the 3 part series with Alice.  She's a recently divorced mother of two boys, Dan, who's nine, and Jake, who's six. In the first two sessions, Alice and Leslie focus a lot on her anxieties about her children, and her parenting perfectionism. It's so hard to raise kids, especially after a big life change, like divorce. This episode, Alice reviews what strategies have been working, and what still needs work. Today’s session focuses on additional practical strategies for things like chores, politeness, and the transition between Mom's house and Dad's house. Time Stamps7:25 How much control do I give my child? A discussion of personal power vs powering over another person9:35 Example of dialectic thinking for a child who they should have done something different11:10 Zoom in and Zoom out15:50 Flexibility and flow when the kids transition between two homes 20:10 What to do when your child refuses to do what you ask them to do21:00 Raising a responsible child, not an obedient child22:20 Joining your kids in the chaos of yelling25:07 An example of the paradox of parenting27:12 Resist the urge to fix the moment 30:36 What to do when your child says no. - give them space31:35 Leave the complaint, Don’t pick up the complaint and it won’t go anywhere32:05 Maintain your focus and don’t get distracted by the complaints - using an example of picking up your child at a friend’s houseFor a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Leslie-ism: You need both insight and practical skills in order to make a change in your parenting.Show Note Links:Leslie was interviewed on Whinypaluza Podcast with Rebecca Greene.  You can listen to that interview here where we discuss the causes of certain behaviors of children.  You can also follow Rebecca Greene at:Blog  https://www.whinypaluza.com/Facebook  https://www.facebook.com/whinypaluzaparentingInstagram https://www.instagram.com/becgreene5/ @becgreene5Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Dale Rubury, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Public relations is handled by Gabriela Glueck. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

This is part 2 of the 3 part series with Alice who is parenting her two boys Dan, 9 years old and Jake, 6 years old.  Alice is coming to this therapy session feeling overwhelmed and not having the time and focus to do what we talked about in the previous session. Parenting IS overwhelming and its very likely that many of you also feel overwhelmed. We unpack those feelings and discuss strategies to help Alice stay present in her parenting. You can’t do it all. And sometimes we just need permission to let go of other people’s expectations.For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Time stamps:14:13 Being overwhelmed by thoughts, beliefs and shoulds:  Is that adding any value?17:35 The difference between mindfulness and meditation18:03 Definition of mindfulness20:52 Understanding the doing mind vs the being mind23:09 Identifying a parenting myth: “It only counts if we are interacting together”24:25 Connection is the foundation of your parent-child relationship26:35 Examples of how to “be” present with your children31:35 The richness of diversity between the parents33:50 What to do with nagging thoughts 37:49 Take another look at politeness38:46 Are you modeling politeness: Do you actions speak louder than words40:50 How to cue a child to develop their manners without shaming themLeslie-ism: Being present is more important than being perfect.Show Note Links:A short video of Jon Kabat Zinn who describes mindfulness Handout on Being Mind and Doing MindA short video on Balancing the Doing Mind and the Being MindCredits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Dale Rubury, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Public relations is handled by Gabriela Glueck. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

This is part 1 of the 3 part series with Alice.  Alice is a recently divorce parent with two boys ages 9 and 6  In Part 1 we learn about Dan who struggles with FAIRNESS, often melting down in ways that impact that whole family.  We will discuss the candy wars, the ruined birthday parties, and the issue of fairness. Alice also admits that she is struggling with the fear of being a bad parent and worries about who her son will be as an adult. For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Time stamps:6:12 The need to see and heard and understood6:45 Use the phrase “I notice….” to help your child gain intrapersonal and interpersonal awareness 9:40 Validation - not all validation is not all equal - its in the eye of the beholder - try to get the primary emotion - I identify when you unintentionally invalidate your child12:05 We are parenting in the short term and the long term15:43 Do you expect your child to misbehave? We actually need to expect our child to misbehave16:41 When parents feel like they are a failure17:49 and 18:50 Examples of using the skill of coping ahead for the misbehavior:  “Bring it on” 20:45 Talking about the fear of what your child will be like when they grow up26;26 The issue of fairness and unfairness27:35 When kids need predictability and uncertainty31:28 The difference between equality and equity33:50 An example of dialectic dilemma35:20 Sibling rivalry as a process of individuation and differentiation40:16 Think outside the box - fill the emotional bank45:05 When parents feel like their children are manipulating them46:14 The “shoulds” that parents may feel.Leslie-ism:  Take a moment to check your own expectations, check your fears and check your shoulds.Show Note Links:A visual image illustrating the difference between equality and equityAn article on Why kids have meltdowns afterschool A blog posting exploring The Need to be Heard and Understood  A blog posting exploring The Need to BelongCredits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Dale Rubury, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Public relations is handled by Gabriela Glueck.  Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

This is a special episode in which Leslie is joined by guest Lindz Amer (they/them) to talk about their work within the LGBTQ+ community. Leslie and Lindz talk about various topics regarding being a caretaker and ally to LGBTQ+ children. Last week’s episode was about parenting Jack, a transgender child.  Leslie wanted to have Lindz on the podcast to further discuss the important ways we can create a safe and validating environment for LGBTQ+ children.:About today’s guest:  Lindz created their award-winning LGBTQ+ family webseries Queer Kid Stuff in 2016 which now has 4M lifetime views and counting!  They are the author of the nonfiction parenting book Rainbow Parenting: Your Guide to Raising Queer Kids and Their Allies (St. Martin’s Press) and their picture book Hooray for She, He, Ze and They! What are YOUR Pronouns Today? (Simon & Schuster, February 2024).  Currently they host the Rainbow Parenting Podcast and perform at school and libraries across the country, while writing and consulting for children’s television.  You can watch their viral TED talk on why kids need to learn about gender and sexuality.  See Links below for these resources and more informationFor a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Leslie-ism: Take a look at the assumptions you are making about your child that may not even be true.Show Note Links:Here are the links to Lindz Amer’s website, Rainbow Parenting, Hooray for She, He, Ze and They, Rainbow Parenting PodcastCredits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Dale Rubury, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Public relations is handled by Gabriela Glueck. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

This is a single session with our guest May.  May is married to Charlie and they have a child named Jack.  Jack is 13 years old and was assigned female at birth, but identifies as they/him and approached May to start calling them Jack in middle school. May, who is wonderfully supportive of Jack, finds herself struggling to be the mediator between Jack and the conservative members of their family, including Jack’s father, Charlie. In this episode, May’s story will help us consider how we can best help a child navigate the complexities of gender identity and the associated stigmas. CW:  Brief mention of Self-harm and Statistics on Suicide in LGBTQ youthFor a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Time stamps: 15:10 Finding common ground between parent and child16:16 Different ways of responding to a problem25:00 Creating a validating environment27:00 Buddhist meditation:  Have strong back and soft heart40:10 Feel the fear and do it anywaysLeslie-ism: Keep in mind advocacy starts at homeShow Note Links:Call 988 - Suicide and crisis hotline. Available 24 hours.  If you or anyone you know is struggling with suicidal thoughts.LGBTQ+ Resources https://www.thetrevorproject.org/ https://glaad.org/transgender/resources/https://thesafezoneproject.com/resources/vocabulary/Research on a validating environment for the well being of LGBTQ youthQuotes on Courage including Maya Angelou’sBrene Brown’s Strong Backs, Soft fronts + Wild Hearts on Unlocking Us PodcastStrong Back, Soft Heart meditation by Roshi Joan Halifax starting at 27:35 on Omega’s podcast.Handout on the Five Ways Solve to a Problem Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Dale Rubury, and LeslieCohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Public relations is handled by Gabriela Glueck. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

This is part 2 of the 2 part series with Zach and Sarah.  Sarah and Zach are divorced co-parents of two children. They came to Leslie to talk about Andrew, their 16-year-old son who is withdrawn and struggling in school. Last session Leslie explored ways to approach Andrew with curiosity and compassion in order to connect with him. She touched on family dynamics and how Andrew may feel like an outsider in a family of high achievers. We’re going to dive more deeply into that today - how putting pressure on your child, intentionally or otherwise, can set them up for shame and anxiety. Having intense feelings like you are not good enough or that you can’t live up to your parents expectations (perceived or real) can cause major disruptions even when it's unintended by the parents.  Parenting is hard and we are all learning as we go. Sarah and Zach are dealing with very different issues with their two children.  Andrew’s withdrawn behavior can feel so invalidating to the parent who is trying hard. Parenting the challenging child as we hear in this episode, is not very validating because your child doesn’t tell you that you're doing a great job. Even though we all love getting the smile, the hug, and hearing the words, I love you, it's  NOT the child's job to validate you. Remember, they’re just trying to survive adolescence. Parenting is hard and so is being a teenager.For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Time stamps:5:15 “Shoulding” your child is shaming your child8:05  Teaching parents to not work so hard8:14  Talking less.  Listen more to your kids.  Listen twice as much as you talk8:45 Nonverbal ways of connecting with your child8:53 Make simple observations. Use the phrase “I notice that” Connecting to your kid in simple little ways that don’t put them in the “hot seat”9:26 Say it and let it go10:01 Indirect ways of connecting: talk about yourself10:35 Be a real person12:35 Manage your expectations and don’t personalize what your teen says or what they do.15:50 Three Step Apology17:10 The core belief of shame and what that means26:54 Feel the fear and do it anyways:  People/children may not realize that the anxiety is often present when you are doing something new27:41 “Can you give yourself permission to….”28:25 “You must have a good reason for…” 34:18 Creative solution brainstorming with your child - Practice brainstorming without evaluation36:52 Shaping behavior - step by step successes.Leslie-ism: Practice listening to your child - We have two ears and one mouth - listen twice as much as you talk.Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Dale Rubury, and LeslieCohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Public relations is handled by Gabriela Glueck. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

This is part one of a two part series with Zach and Sarah.  Zach and Sarah are co-parents of two children.  This series focuses on their 16 year old son Andrew who they describe as withdrawn, irritable, and “not engaged in life”.  His parents have been struggling to get him to complete tasks related to school, getting a job, and just basic things at home.  Leslie helps Zach and Sarah focus on the importance of connecting to Andrew as a foundation to trying to parent him successfully.  For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Time stamps:11:50 How adolescents who say "no" are asserting independence which is similar to toddlers15:46 Being a curious alien instead of fixing your child18:19 Living in your sibling's shadow25:30 Dialectic perspective of a situation.  Doing mind vs. being mind28:42 Learning to ride the wave of discomfort33:51 Looking at your child with a dialectical perspectiveLeslie-ism: Slow down and ask yourself what is the cost of the pressure that you may be putting on your childShow Note Links:I appeared as a guest on Slate’s Mom and Dad Are Fighting Podcast in two episodes..  In the first episode I join hosts, Zak Rosen and Jamilah Lemieux, and together we help a listener who’s worried that her daughter’s meltdowns might be a sign of depression.  In the second episode, Zak and Jamilah start by talking about lessons from therapy and how my podcast, Is My Child A Monster? Is helping make therapy advice and resources more accessible. Together we also help a listener whose kid pulled a disappearing act after a fight during family vacation.  Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Dale Rubury, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Public relations is handled by Gabriela Glueck. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

In today’s episode, Mary shares how her 4 year old son, Oliver seems to be struggling after the loss of his infant cousin. Oliver began to show signs of regression with bedtime during which he seems to experience high anxiety and fears. Sleep regression is normal and very understandable when dealing with something as big as death. Mary explains how Oliver is most open and communicative at bedtime. While it may seem intuitive to re-enforce this behavior so that Oliver continues to open up at bedtime, it's actually important to not keep reinforcing the behavior of doing this right before sleep.  Instead, keep the intention to connect to your child, but change the time and place for it.CW:  Brief mention of Infant Loss and DeathFor a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences on Is My Child A Monster? Parenting Community.Time stamps:7:35 Regression in your child’s sleep is normal when dealing with difficult times11:40 Common for kids to open up most around bedtime. Parenting can feel counterintuitive to stop your child from expressing themselves at bedtime and switch that openness to a different time of the day.16:40 The worry box or the worry tree26:03 Bedtime techniques/mindfulness practicesLeslie-ism: Help your child to understand: feelings come and feelings goHere are two books mentioned in this episode.Starbright:  Meditations for Children by Maureen GarthJibberwillies at Night by RachelVail (Author) and Yumi Heo (Illustrator) Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Dale Rubury, and LeslieCohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music.  Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

This is the second skills focused episode of the season in which Leslie and Dale talk about the art of apologizing.  Leslie talks about The Three Step Apology and how it evolved into the technique it is today.  Dale shares her journey with apologies and how she went from feeling like apologizing was impossible to finding the power of apologizing as an adult.  She also shares how she went from a blaming child to a responsible adult taking ownership of her behavior. This conversation between mother and daughter, emphasizes the importance of apologizing and the specific parts of an effective apology.  They use examples to illustrate the impact that parents can have by apologizing to their children to model that behavior/skill. For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences on Is My Child A Monster Parenting Community.Time stamps:4:33 A description of the Three Steps Apology10:45 Why so many adults have difficulty with apologizing16:23 Parents modeling apologies19:50 Children being hard on themselves for making a mistake21:03 Blaming instead of apologizing27:00  Apologies without behavior change lose meaning Leslie-ism:  Children can become responsible adults who know how to apologize when given the space to make mistakes.  Show Note Links:Three Step Apology A description of what the steps are and examples of how to use this skill..I would like to give a shout out to Simple Families podcast where I was a guest talking with Denaya Barahona, Phd. all about exposing our children to things they are afraid of, things that we are afraid of and much more.  Book Reference:  Janis Abrahms Spring How Can I Forgive You? The Courage to Forgive, The Freedom Not to    A well written book with practical advice about the power of forgiveness.  Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Dale Rubury, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Public relations is handled by Tink Media. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

This is the final episode in the five part series with Kathryn. Kathryn shares how implementing some of her newly learned skills has been going.  Kathryn describes how these tricky conversations with her 17 year old daughter Bridgette have felt both satisfying and at times frustrating and where she is still feeling stuck.  Through role playing we take an indepth look at two examples. Leslie gives Kathryn some tips on how to communicate well, particularly when the topic of conversations is sensitive and might bring up some intense emotions.  These strategies for de-escalating polarizing conversations are key for effective communication.  An additional note:  Leslie is qualified to share parenting knowledge and also appears to be challenged by her counting skills.  Listen for when she confidently proclaims that “tell me more” is a two-word phrase.For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit  https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/. You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences on Is My Child A Monster? Parenting CommunityTime stamps: 11:00 Role playing difficult conversation with daughter about drugs12:57 Leslie’s definition of a responsible child16:19 Emotion mind vs wise mind in difficult conversations18:24 Leslie describes new ways to consider a “time out” in a conversation21:05 The importance of timing in difficult conversationsLeslie-ism:  It's hard to be effective when you’re in Emotion Mind.  Pauses can be helpful..Show Note Links:A video that demonstrates how validation/active listen can de-escalate conflicts    Everybody Loves Raymond Uses Active Listening  A handout  on how to de-escalate a conversation   10 Tips for Difficult Conversations  "Setting up anxious kids for long term success" is the title of the episode where Leslie Cohen-Rubury is a guest on Well Hello Anxiety  with Dr Jodi Richardson Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Dale Rubury, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Public relations is handled by Tink Media. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

This is part four of the five part series. Kathryn and Leslie meet for a fourth time to continue to work on her relationship with her 17 year old daughter Bridgette. In this session, Kathryn describes the event that led to a break in trust between her and Bridgette. Leslie introduces The Three Step Apology skill to help guide Kathryn in repairing her relationship with her daughter. This skill is meant to replace the kind of apologies that have an unintentional element of blame and shame. Kathryn demonstrates the vulnerability and practice that's needed when trying to learn and implement this new skill. It's noteworthy that Kathryn was willing to make the apology first. No matter what age they are, children continue to imitate our behavior. Kathryn’s apology will model for Bridgette how to repair relationships throughout her life. For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit  https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/. You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences on Is My Child A Monster? Parenting Community.Time stamps: 5:10  Reinforcing skills.  Giving partial credit when learning skills in order to build mastery and reduce shame8:32 Description of betrayal event14:37 Description of Three Step Apology20:45 Why parents get overwhelmed when dealing with their child’s issues - bringing up the past23:55 Role Play of  practicing the Three Step Apology with KathrynLeslie-ism: Find an opportunity to apologize to your child for your part in a conflict. You may be pleasantly surprised at the response you get from your child. Show Note Links:Three Step Apology A description of what the steps are and examples of how to use this skill..Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Dale Rubury, and LeslieCohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Public relations is handled by Tink Media. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

Children breaking rules is nothing new in the world of parenting.  Teens breaking rules is almost a given.  In this third part of the five part series, Kathryn is eager to learn how to set limits with her 17 year old daughter Bridgette. Trying to set limits with a child who seems like they have no limits may feel like an impossible task. But there are ways to do it. Even though the terminology of a dialectic perspective is not used in this episode, it is very much employed in the conversation. Leslie takes a dialectic approach with Kathryn in two ways during this episode. First, she begins by balancing the parent’s limits and the teen’s limits.  Leslie also differentiates between limits and boundaries.  Second, Leslie counterbalances the fear that parents often have when dealing with the problematic behaviors of their children.  Children often feel “my parents don't understand me”, or “my parents only focus on what I'm doing wrong and they don't see what I'm doing well”. This schism can be the root of conflict and potentially damaging to your child's mental health. As parents, holding the dialectic perspective means embracing both your child's skills and strengths as well as their problematic behaviors. As in Kathryn’s first two sessions, this episode has a lot of mature themes and contains adult language that may not be suitable for all audiences. For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/. You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences on Is My Child A Monster? Parenting Community.Time stamps: (rough estimates based on rough cut)6:04 Assessing skills of your child before setting limits10:13 Having a balanced view of your child: their strengths and weaknesses14:18 Generational shame and how it impacts you and your child15:58 Defining limits vs boundaries and personal limits vs child’s limits28:08 How to have tough conversations with your kids. Leslie-ism: Take the time to notice your child’s strengths, not just their problematic behavior. Show Note Links:Understanding  the Three Dialectic Dilemmas in the Adolescent-Parent RelationshipResources:If you or someone you know is struggling with addiction, sexual assaults  or other mental health issues there are resources available for you. National Sexual assault hotline 800-656-HOPE (4763)National Substance Abuse Hotline 866-210-1303Substance abuse and mental health administration 1-800-662-HELP  (4357)National Alliance of Mental Illness 212-684-3264Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Dale Rubury, and LeslieCohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Public relations is handled by Tink Media. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

This is part two in the five part series with Kathryn.  As we heard in the first part of this series, Kathryn’s 17 year old daughter Bridgette is making decisions around sex, drugs, and alcohol that deeply concern her mother. Karthyn is frustrated, fearful, overwhelmed, and unsure how to best parent her daughter. In this episode Kathryn shares her experience of putting “the curious alien” technique into practice.  As many parents experience, the advice from the so-called experts sounded great on paper but when put into practice, she found that it didn’t have the immediate impact: her daughter still shut down.  Since this is so frustrating for parents, in this session Leslie and Kathryn learn to have the difficult but necessary conversations with her daughter through role-playing.  Role playing the curious alien showed her how to talk to her daughter in a way that will lead to mutual respect, connection and honesty.  For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcast/. You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences on Is My Child A Monster? Parenting Community.Time stamps:6:37 Role playing The Curious Alien - Take 18:07 Planting a seed. Being patient with skills you implement knowing that they may take time to see results.9:00 Role playingThe Curious Alien -Take 221:05 Recognizing “whose problem is it” so that we don’t personalize the issue and become defensive. 22:42 Using validation and questions, rather than accusatory statements, to make “Curious Alien” strategy more effective. Curious Alien should be a validating tool and create connection.Leslie-ism: In order to connect with your child, practice being a curious alien.Show Note Links:Handout on Whose Problem Is It? when you are trying to solve a problem with your childResources:If you or someone you know is struggling with addiction, sexual assaults  or other mental health issues there are resources available for you. National Sexual assault hotline 800-656-HOPE (4763)National Substance Abuse Hotline 866-210-1303Substance abuse and mental health administration 1-800-662-HELP  (4357)National Alliance of Mental Illness 212-684-3264Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Dale Rubury, and LeslieCohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Public relations is handled by Tink Media. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

This is the first episode in a five part series with Kathryn.  She's been struggling to deal with the roller coaster ride of parenting her 17 year old daughter, Bridgette. Bridgette has been making what most parents might consider risky choices.  Her choices surrounding sex and drugs has her mother extremely concerned and feeling unsure of how to best to parent her. She is afraid for her daughter’s safety and is feeling overwhelmed and panicked. This episode unpacks the complex issues underlying Bridgette’s behavior. Leslie looks at  how effective communication can support their relationship and will focus on questions such as: How do you establish a judgment-free line of communication with your teen?  How do you parent a child whose personality is unlike your own? How do you help your child navigate decision-making without imposing your own beliefs and judgements? Look for the answers to these questions and more in this episode of Is My Child A Monster?9:06  Raising our children will challenge us in ways that give us the opportunity to grow as people16:22 Begin where your child is16:55 An example of nonjudgmental language to open lines of communication.  Say what you see18:30  Be the curious alien - zoom out, zoom in depending on what you are dealing with.23:22  Parenting by the Paradox - Giving children the room to make mistakes27:06  Parenting is so much about the FIT between the parent and the child28:53 When does it work, when does it not work - A way to look at those qualities that drive you nutsLeslie-ism - The best insurance against life’s hardships for your child is the quality of your relationshipShow Note Links:Handout on Understanding the Importance of the "Fit" between Parent and ChildBook reference: Kathryn spoke about a book that she was reading:  Girls & Sex:  Navigating the Complicated New Landscape by Peggy OrensteinIf you or someone you know is struggling with addiction, sexual assaults  or other mental health issues there are resources available for you. National Sexual assault hotline 800-656-HOPE (4763)National Substance Abuse Hotline 866-210-1303Substance abuse and mental health administration 1-800-662-HELP  (4357)National Alliance of Mental Illness 212-684-3264

This episode is a change in our typical format where parents share their struggles and challenges in therapy sessions recorded live.  Instead, we focus on the skill of building mastery which we spoke about in a previous episode.  After listening to that episode and reading Leslie's newsletter, Leslie's daughter Dale, who is also a producer on this podcast, suggested a conversation about their personal journey building mastery.  This is an inside look at Leslie as a mother using skills to help her anxious daughter. This episode is also a unique opportunity to hear these parenting skills from the child’s perspective.   About the guest: Dale Rubury is Leslie’s daughter, a producer of this podcast. After graduating from college with a degree in Zoology, Dale moved to warmer climates to pursue a career with animals. She worked at the largest primate sanctuary in North America for 7 years before moving on to a different career path. For the past few years, she has been in the world of construction where she is currently building yurts and working for Habitat for Humanity. Dale is proud to say that she has a healthy relationship with her anxiety. Show Note. LinksYoutube Video  Building Mastery Skill For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcast/. You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram.  Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences in the Is My Child a Monster? Facebook parenting community.This week's Leslie-ism: It's important to practice being comfortable in an uncomfortable situation, especially when you are bearing witness to someone else’s pain.Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Dale Rubury, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Public relations is handled by Tink Media. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

In this final session, both Tim and Natasha describe a shift in their relationship with their 6 yr old daughter Rosie. Leslie reinforces these changes and continues to work on shifting the conversation away from focusing on the negative. Instead, Leslie looks below the surface of behaviors to identify strengths of the child that may be less obvious.  All children have a need to be understood and seen for who they are.  Children with ADHD have many challenges, including getting hyper-focused and having trouble shifting from one activity to another.  Understanding who your child is and helping them understand who they are reduces the blame and increases effective parenting. For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcast/. You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram.  Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences in the Is My Child a Monster? Facebook parenting community.Key Time Stamps:03:57 “Can you give yourself permission to…” Use this when blaming shows up04:35 The cycle of blaming. Be careful of reinforcing the blaming behavior06:13 A Problematic Thinking Pattern is to focus only on the negatives and disqualifying the positive09:38 Go below the surface to get at what's underlying a behavior11:18 Help your child express themselves accurately13:13 Hyperfocus is a common behavior of the ADHD child18:00 Using Kinesthetic awareness, touch and compression as tools for the ADHD child21:35 Strategy for shifting - move your body, move your mind (and your attention)22:30 The value of movement and touch for ADHD24:40 Executive functioning strategy of breaking down big projects into small achievable stepsThis week's Leslie-ism: Can you give yourself permission to …  Make a mistake, to forget your toys, feel uncomfortableShow Note Links:A blog exploring Understanding Why Children BlameUnderstanding and examples of Problematic thinking patterns A blog exploring The Need to be Heard and Understood  Click here for more info about Contact ImprovisationCredits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Dale Rubury, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Public relations is handled by Tink Media. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

This episode with Tim and Natasha and their 6-year-old daughter Rosie focuses on the reality of actually implementing the parenting skills they've learned in the previous two sessions.  And the reality is it's often trickier than it seems and requires lots of patience.  It's easy to get triggered by the frustration of not seeing immediate results with your kid, and so this episode discusses multiple strategies for identifying and dealing with those reactive emotions when parenting.  For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcast/. You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences in the Is My Child a Monster? Facebook parenting community.Key Time Stamps:04:36    Check the facts -Don’t believe everything you think09:30    STOP skill13:15    Prompting event - what event (thought, feeling or action) leads you to feeling an uncomfortable feeling or emotion mind14:19    Time management - a challenge for the ADHD child15;28    Discussion of vulnerability 16:28   Cup of Enoughness - measure of your vulnerabilities19:37    Giving yourself permission…(to feel frustrated)23:30      How we inadvertently shame our children This Week's Leslie-ism: Can you give yourself permission…(to make a mistake)Show Note Links:Define Prompting Events and Finding Other InterpretationsCup of enoughness videoS.T.O.P Skill Book References:Don't Shoot the Dog! : The  Art of Teaching and Training by Karen Pryor Keep Your Head Up by Aliya King and Charly Palmer Children’s bookVideo of a read-aloudEpisode Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Dale Rubury, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Public relations is handled by Tink Media. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury

This is part 2 of the 4 part series with Tim and Natasha who share their concerns and challenges with their 6-year-old daughter Rosie. This episode discusses how Tim and Natasha’s own childhood experiences and their personalities affect how they in turn parent their own child.  Tim and Natasha both feel strongly about not repeating what their own parents modeled.  It’s  harder than you think, to not impose your own issues into parenting.  And it doesn’t help that children often and easily make the interpretation that they are BAD.  Children can feel invalidated when that is not the intention of their parents.  And its not only the child that can feel badly about themselves.  Parents can also feel judged or struggle to feel good enough as a parent.  Takeaways from this session:6:09 Use the expression - when does this work for you and when does this not work for you7:03 Practice being dialectic - use two hands when helping the child become aware of what’s happening inside themselves and what’s happening outside of them.  7:37 Slow down when dealing with your child. It helps you and it helps them7:56 Playing the Other-Interpretation-Game. 8:49 S.T.O.P. Skill14:25  Telling a child what to do, rather than telling your child what not to do. 17:32 Clarifying the intention of communication 21:05 Being responsible as the adult for your own anger (children don’t make us angry, that’s how you respond to whatever they are doing)21:50 The three states of mind - Emotion Mind, Wise Mind, Reasonable Mind24:30  Shoulding our children is shaming them - Example of shaming statement31:50 It is very common for children to feel like they are bad - that’s shame.Beware of the shame-blame game.  32:50 Using the line:  That’s a feeling not a factLESLIE-ISM  Every quality or behavior we have works for us some of the time and doesn’t work some of the time. Whether it is being loud or doing nothing, there are two sides of the coin for each behavior or quality that we have.  Ask yourself and ask your child:  When does this work for you and when does it not work for youShow Note LinksAn overview of What Dialectic Behavior TherapyThree States of Mind STOP SkillFor a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcast/. You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiencesCredits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Dale Rubury, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Public relations is handled by Tink Media. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contribute

This is part one of the four-part series with Tim and Natasha. In today's episode, we meet Tim and Natasha whose 6-year-old daughter, Rosie, is exhibiting ADHD behaviors in school and at home. Leslie challenges Tim and Natasha to shift their perspective and understanding of their child’s “problematic” behaviors. Feeling confused about how to interpret your child’s behavior is a common feeling of being a parent. What’s “normal” behavior and what is an actual “problem”? This therapy session takes us on an inside look at family dynamics and family patterns as we explore these topics. For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcast/. You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences in the Is My Child a Monster? Facebook parenting community.Key Time Stamps:1:08 Discerning between when a normal behavior is a problem and when a problem behavior is normal8:36  Which are you? Slow vs quick recovery from emotional situations11:45 Brief explanation of multiple intelligence theory15:25 Dealing transitions and shifting attention18:27 Balancing between respecting who she is and helping her deal with limits19:25 Managing expectations about the same behaviors at different ages20:51 Building a muscle of mindfulness23:23 Managing expectations about the time needed for children to develop these skills24:17 Behaviorism and nonverbal cueing for changing behaviorShow Note Links:Click here for more information about the BioSocial TheoryBook Reference:Howard Gardener: Multiple Intelligence TheoryCredits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Dale Rubury, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Public relations is handled by Tink Media. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

This is part three of the three part series with Michelle and Emiliano. In this final session, Leslie coaches them to empower their 10-year-old daughter to become an expert on her own anxiety. For highly anxious and sensitive children, a fun overnight school field trip can feel like a looming nightmare.  Parenting children through their anxieties when they are very heightened can be troubling and upsetting for the parents as well.  Listen as we unpack the phrase: feel the fear and do it anyway.  Join us today as Michelle and Emiliano ask the question over and over again about how much to push and how much to give in.  A question parents and caregivers come up against.Finding ways to expose our children to what makes them anxious in a way that allows them to build up their confidence that they can feel anxious AND do it anyways.  Repeatedly exposing your child to uncomfortable situations and helping them push through and succeed will help them towards the path of mastery. Sometimes we may need to think outside the box and get creative in order to find that balance of exposing them but not pushing them too far outside their ability and skill level.We don’t want to throw our child into the deep end of a pool without the skills to swim.  But we also don’t want to avoid the pool all together. This is when we need to balance the art of parenting with the science of parenting. The science in parenting teaches us to develop a hierarchy of step-by-step exposures when conquering a fear. The art of parenting is knowing who your child is and creatively brainstorming the steps to help THEM feel safe and ready to take risks. I want to thank Michelle and Emilliano for showing up in this final episode in the 3 part series.  See you next time with new parents sharing their challenges.  Disclaimer:  Exposure therapy is a formal therapeutic treatment modality. I am suggesting that raising children with an informal approach to exposures helps build a sense of accomplishment as well as self-confidence in your child.  Parents do this naturally in raising children but understanding what you are doing and having a name for what you are doing is more likely that you can use the tool more effectively. Show Note Links:Youtube Video “The Nervous Guy Sings'' as an example of when we can be anxious and do it anyways. Youtube Video  Building Mastery Skill For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcast/. You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences in the Is My Child a Monster? Facebook parenting community.Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Dale Rubury, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Public relations is handled by Tink Media.  Graphics and Website Design by Brien O'Reilly.  Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.