Relationship School Podcast

If you plan on getting married, make sure you are willing to do these three things... You won't want to miss this.   Timestamps: 0:57 - Don’t get married unless… 2:58 - How should we define success in marriage? 5:34 - Only get married if you do these 3 things 11:07 - Takeaway Links: Read the transcript to this episode here Loneliness, Social Isolation And Living Alone – Dr. Julianne Holt-Lunstad – 301 Order Jayson's book: Getting to Zero Masterclass Library

On this week’s episode we speak with relationship coach, author, TedX speaker, and host of the Man Alive podcast, Shana James about her newly released book, Honest Sex. We explore the intersection of sex, spirituality, authentic relating, and creativity, and she offers her expanded definition of sex: Tune in to learn about co-creating a deepened honesty to enhance sexual and relational connection/gratification. Timestamps: 0:59 - Guest introduction 2:07 - Interview 5:56 - Sexual creativity 15:07 - Fast food sex 23:05 - When should parents talk to kids about sex? 29:54 - Dealing with sexual differences 36:00 - Exercises for couples Useful Links: Shana’s website New book: Honest Sex: A Passionate Path to Deepen Connection and Keep Relationships Alive (get chapter 6 for free) Podcast: Man Alive Podcast Instagram: @shanajames Facebook: @truesuccessformen TRS Podcast episode 348: Men, Pleasure, and Power with Shana James TRS Podcast episode 258: How Does a Woman Help a Man Open Up and Do His Inner Work? with Shana James  TRS Podcast episode 110: The Healing Power of Touch with Betty Martin TEDx Talk: What 1000 Men's Tears Reveal About the Crisis Between Men and Women How To Play The Three Minute Game Enroll in Relationship Mastery Order Jayson's book: Getting to Zero Get 50% off your first month of relationship coaching with the promo code "First50" Masterclass Library  

Jayson and Ellen discuss relationship skills we should learn (e.g. face reading, empathy, conflict resolution). There's no doubt that we have the capacity to have good relationships, because we know we're innately capable of being loving parents, partners, and positive citizens - that's what we're meant to be as humans - but cultivating our relational capacities is actually a developmental achievement and essential ingredient for health and wellness. Timestamps: 0:00 - Intro 1:46 - Relationship as a skill 14:38 - Why is a growth mindset important? 23:07 - Therapy clients vs. coaching clients 31:54 - Action step Useful Links: Enroll in Relationship Mastery Order Jayson's book: Getting to Zero Get 50% off your first month of relationship coaching with the promo code "First50"

On this week's podcast, we are joined by Daniel Maté.  In addition to co-writing recent New York Times bestseller The Myth of Normal with his father, Dr. Gabor Maté, Daniel is a composer, lyricist, playwright, podcaster, artist, musician, and mental chiropractor - a current day renaissance man.   Hear about how Daniel relates to his father, his experience growing up with Maté privilege, and how he contextualizes the complexities of the parent-child relationship psychologically while providing us with insightful reframes that speak to how we relate to our parents as adults. A few quotes from the book we feel compelled to share with you in hopes of inspiring you to read/listen to the book: “Trauma, until we work it through, keeps us stuck in the past, robbing us of the present moment’s riches, limiting who we can be.” “What joys have you denied yourself out of a belief that you don’t deserve them, or out of a conditioned fear that they’ll be snatched away?” “Whether we realize it or not, it is our woundedness, or how we cope with it, that dictates much of our behavior, shapes our social habits, and informs our ways of thinking about the world.” “Time after time it was the “nice” people, the ones who compulsively put other’s expectations and needs ahead of their own and who repressed their so-called negative emotions, who showed up with chronic illness in my family practice, or who came under my care at the hospital palliative ward I directed.” “Chronic rage, by contrast, floods the system with stress hormones long past the allotted time. Over the long term, such a hormonal surplus, whatever may have instigated it, can make us anxious or depressed; suppress immunity; promote inflammation; narrow blood vessels, promoting vascular disease throughout the body;” “It doesn’t matter whether we can point to other people who seem more traumatized than we are, for there is no comparing suffering. Nor is it appropriate to use our own trauma as a way of placing ourselves above others—“You haven’t suffered like I have”—or as a cudgel to beat back others’ legitimate grievances when we behave destructively. We each carry our wounds in our own way; there is neither sense nor value in gauging them against those of others.” “Like our other needs, meaning is an inherent expectation. Its denial has dire consequences. Far from a purely psychological need, our hormones and nervous systems clock its presence or absence. As a medical study in 2020 found, the "presence [of] and search for meaning in life are important for health and well-being." Simply put, the more meaningful you find your life, the better your measures of mental and physical health are likely to be.   Order The Myth of Normal:Trauma, Illness, & Healing in a Toxic Culture by Dr. Gabor Maté & Daniel Maté here. Timestamps: 0:00 - Intro 2:41 - Daniel describes what he does 6:31 - Reawakening the inner artist 15:48 - Adult parent-child dynamics 34:21 - Special offers 35:34 - The Myth of Normal book 1:09:32 - Special offers Useful Links: Instagram @danielbmaté Daniel Mate's mental chiro website Dr. Gabor Maté’s website Instagram @gabormatéMD Order The Myth of Normal: Trauma, Illness, & Healing in a Toxic Culture by Dr. Gabor Maté & Daniel Maté here Listen to Daniel read The Myth of Normal on Audible Enroll in Relationship Mastery Order Jayson's book: Getting to Zero Get 50% off your first month of relationship coaching with the promo code "First50" U.S. listeners, sign up for relationship tips and support direct to your phone by texting this number: 720 704 4850 Apply to Relationship Coach Training  

April from Austin asks, “You’re always talking about ‘doing the work’; what does that mean? Also, dealing with ‘inner child work,’ does this mean getting a therapist?” Lance wonders, “When does inner child work end? And how do we know when it’s finished?”Tune in for another Ask Me Anything episode where Jayson answers listener questions. Want to submit a question? Leave a comment in our Facebook Support Group or on Instagram @jaysongaddis or @therelationshipschool   Useful Links: https://relationshipschool.com/relationshipmastery/ https://www.gettingtozerobook.com read the transcript here

In this week’s episode, Jayson interviews Connor Beaton, author of Men’s Work: A Practical Guide to Face Your Darkness, End Self-Sabotage and Find Freedom. He is the founder of Man Talks, a speaker, a business coach, a lifestyle entrepreneur, a former opera singer, and a husband and father. This episode speaks to the problem that many men experience while practicing vulnerability. Useful Links: https://mantalks.com/mens-work-book/ https://instagram.com/mantalks/ https://relationshipschool.com/relationshipmastery/ https://relationshipschool.com/getcoachingnow/ https://www.gettingtozerobook.com

Curtis asks, “In your expertise, do you perceive that attachment wounds and attachment styles are healed and transformed during partnership or outside of that? I’m curious to hear your thoughts because I’ve been doing a bit of research and finding different takes on it…” Another listener wonders if these phrases signal a lack of personal responsibility in a codependent relationship: “‘I can only feel okay when she (or he) is feeling okay,’ ‘I feel I need to make her (or him) happy,’ and ‘Happy wife, happy life’; how would an attachment framework view codependency?”.  Ellen and Jayson address how we can heal our attachment wounds/adapt our attachment styles, highlight how we impact one another, and discuss the importance of finding common ground to propel the relationship forward. Stay tuned to the end for your action steps.   Useful Links: https://relationshipschool.com/relationshipmastery/ https://www.gettingtozerobook.com https://relationshipschool.com/getcoachingnow/

Annie Lalla brings the heat in this magnificent episode chock-full of hacks, insights, self-empowerment, love, and wisdom. Damn, can this woman spin some distinctions and reframe common challenges many of us face with simple, detailed examples of ways we can work to transform ourselves and our relationships into the magic we long for. It’s a must-listen-to (probably two or three times), and if you’re a note-taker, you’re going to want to grab your journal. This one is a doozie. Useful Links: Annie Lalla's Website Annie's “True Love” Test Facebook - Jayson Gaddis Fan Page U.S. listeners, sign up for relationship tips and support direct to your phone by texting this number: 720-704-4852 https://www.gettingtozerobook.com https://relationshipschool.com/relationshipmastery/ https://relationshipschool.com/getcoachingnow/

How can you be there for your partner when you need them to be there for you? How do you take care of your needs with a struggling partner who needs your support? Can you relate to sometimes having a hard time connecting with your partner—or having a hard time empathizing with them?  Please tune in to hear Jayson and Ellen share what it’s like to struggle with conflict during a stressful time. Their recent experience helps put struggle into a psychological/relational context to aid understanding and compassion for you and your partner.

As you were growing up, your parents/culture/church/community/friends influenced your values and the positive and negative experiences you had. In this week’s episode, learn a bit about Jayson’s Compass Exercise (featured in Chapter 8 of his book), a strategy to determine your values and the direction you’re headed in life. If you want to succeed with your New Year’s resolutions or your goals this year, tune in. Useful Links: Read the transcript for this episode https://www.gettingtozerobook.com https://relationshipschool.com/getcoachingnow/

Taber asks, “I’m an anxiously attached person and it’s become clear to me that it doesn’t work for me that my partner talks to another woman every day, behind my back. I have found proof that he has crossed the line with her before, and with anxious attachment I am not in a healthy enough place to accept him continuing friendship with this person. I’m welcoming advice on how to set this boundary for myself without just ending the relationship, and I certainly don’t want to give an ultimatum. I’m new to this and need to set my mind free.”  Lestie wonders, “What do you simply accept in a relationship in the other, as opposed to trying to change it? I.e., one of you is clean, the other is messy, one is punctual, other is never on time…  I’m having difficulty knowing what to and what not to address. I know Gottmans says 69% of issues in relationships aren’t resolved and it’s more about how you communicate about them than trying to change them, and where to draw the line? Some of these issues really bother me. I also tend to fall into the fixing role and can be a perfectionist, and I’m not wanting to do that in my relationship.” Angela asks, “Why do men view emotional development work as weak? I’m trying to put more insight into understanding this concept in society. I do understand society has had some old idealism about masculinity, not being in touch with emotions, and not being able to be as vulnerable because it’s seen as weakness, but I’d love to understand the depth of this and what’s really going on.”  Join Ellen and Jayson’s in-depth chat as they talk through your questions in this Ask me Anything episode unpacking boundaries, insecure attachment dynamics, acceptance, and the systemic effect that is at play with men and their emotional landscape.    Useful Links: Read the Episode 429's transcript here  https://www.gettingtozerobook.com https://relationshipschool.com/relationshipmastery/ https://relationshipschool.com/getcoachingnow/

Did you know how impactful our facial expressions and tone of voice are on our partner’s sense of safety? Have you ever wondered why you struggle to learn something new when you are stressed?  Do you wonder why you are (or your partner is) so damn sensitive? Well, there’s a scientific reason for all of this and in this week’s episode, Jayson interviews the man who developed the polyvagal theory. He’s a real pioneer and someone who cares a lot about you feeling safe—in life and in your relationships. Dr. Stephen Porges is about to give you a big download on the reasons you might not feel safe and what you can do about it. Bottom line? We cover the neuroscience of safe relationships and how to create them. Useful Links: www.stephenporges.com https://www.gettingtozerobook.com https://relationshipschool.com/relationshipmastery/ https://relationshipschool.com/getcoachingnow/

Nicole asks, “I found your interview with (Dan) Savage to be highly enlightening and incredibly emotional. As a married straight woman in a monogamous relationship with children, I felt very triggered by the concept of ‘enough’. Am I enough? I am constantly struggling to feel like I am enough of anything, and I feel like your podcast has started to help me feel settled into an idea that monogamy and marriage can provide enough for both partners, if it is viewed as a journey and a goal. This interview ripped open some pretty deep and vulnerable wounds surrounding being enough.”  Erica wonders, “I’ve been married to my husband for nine years and together for fourteen. Even in the beginning of our relationship the sex wasn’t as frequent as I’d have liked, so I had to. Now we’re married and I feel like the sissue is in the different sex drives continues to bother me. I just need to need more sex than he does. He knows that I wish he’d initiate sex more, and we’ve gone to many years of therapy. I fear this will never get better. Is it foolish to think my husband could change? Is it possible for men to become more assertive or change how often they need sex? I’m afraid to get divorced as we have a seven year old son, but I think i’m coming to terms with the fact that this issue isn’t going away as I continue to resent not feeling desired.” Tune in to hear Jayson unpack these poignant questions from fellow listeners. Useful Links: https://relationshipschool.com/relationshipmastery/ https://relationshipschool.com/getcoachingnow/

Shavani asks, “Most times conflicts drain us of mental energy and time, even with both partners’ willingness to work through it. For me, conflict often takes hours of constant talking, fighting, and finally resolving. This is especially tough when work is involved that requires preparation and clarity. How do we work through conflict in a way that doesn’t impact other parts of our lives that are important for our personal growth and well-being?”  Kim wonders, “Have you ever covered sexual frequency in a marriage? He wants it WAY more because that’s how he thinks of connection, and I don’t want it nearly enough because he won’t open up, let me in, and connect on a deeper emotional level, so there is a constant struggle.”  Lilian is curious: “I have a dear friend that means well but always plays devil’s advocate when I come to her with a painful experience or when I need support. She says it’s because she’s a Libra. Where’s the line of calling your friend out on their B.S., and holding space for them with empathy in moments when they are experiencing pain?” Join Ellen and Jayson as they unpack listener questions regarding unresolved conflicts, sexual desire differences, and challenging friendships.   Useful Links: https://relationshipschool.com/relationshipmastery/ https://relationshipschool.com/getcoachingnow/ https://www.gettingtozerobook.com

“Any advice to get over a fear of dependency?” Amy wants to know. “Is it possible for one partner to be dependent, and the other to be independent? Does that change over time? What can I do when I get triggered by his independence?” asks @twopopcorn. “Therapists always say, ‘You’re responsible for meeting your own needs’...How do you allow yourself to depend on someone and also not expect someone to give you what you need?” Jean is curious about.  Join Jayson and Ellen for this follow-up AMA episode (inspired by Episode 423: Dependent, Independent, Interdependent) where they answer listener questions on dependency. Useful Links: Download the transcript of episode 425 here "Loneliness, Social Isolation, and Living Alone with Julianne Holt-Lundstad - Episode 301 (TRS Podcast) https://relationshipschool.com/relationshipmastery/ https://relationshipschool.com/getcoachingnow/ https://www.gettingtozerobook.com

Want some help understanding what the opposite sex thinks and feels about being partners, parents, cohabitating, careers, etc.? Care to learn how to structure leadership equitably with your partner? Can you identify with stereotypical gender roles—specifically with couples who are also parents? Curious to learn why some men resist or devalue hands-on parenting? Join Jayson and Ellen as they unpack how gender roles play into your most intimate relationship, how they relate to our cultural landscape, and how to structure leadership/relate to each other as partners and co-parents. Useful Links: Download the transcript of episode 424 here https://relationshipschool.com/relationshipmastery/ https://relationshipschool.com/getcoachingnow/ https://www.gettingtozerobook.com  

When you hear the word “dependency,” what does it conjure up for you? Feelings of resistance? Discomfort? Maybe a squirmy feeling? Or something more positive? Does it feel good for you to be needed?  When we first emerge into the world as infants, we are 100% dependent on our caregiver(s) for all our physical, emotional, psychological, spiritual, and relational needs. Our parents have been responsible for every one of our needs, day in and day out, for years. It is a biological imperative to attach to our caregiver (attachment figure), and it’s completely instinctual—it’s how a baby survives. Being someone’s attachment figure is incredibly demanding. Attachment science empirically speaks to the similarity between how a child attaches to a parent and how an adult attaches to their spouse, meaning our attachment figure changes from our parent to our significant other. However, your partner is not your caregiver… Contingent on your attachment style (anxious, avoidant, secure), it can become triggering to depend on or depend on someone else. Join Jayson and Ellen to better understand healthy and unhealthy dependency, normalize it, and even use our needs and dependence to deepen connection.  Useful Links: Download the transcript of this episode here https://relationshipschool.com/relationshipmastery/ https://relationshipschool.com/getcoachingnow/ https://www.gettingtozerobook.com  

What lessons can families learn from businesses? Have you ever thought of formalizing your values as a family and creating a vision statement? Ellen and I had the privilege to chat with Chris and Melissa Smith, founders of Family Brand, and loving parents to five kids. We discuss what it’s like to have (and come from) an unusually large family, their near-divorce experience, and how they are now happier and stronger than ever before. They talk about why they founded Family Brand, and highlight the importance of working on oneself first and, and being very intentional with your commitment to your partner and parenting to co-create a brand unique to your family unit and why/how that’s helpful. Useful Links: Download the transcript of this episode here https://familybrand.com/ https://familybrand.com/podcast/ https://familybrand.com/quiz/ https://www.instagram.com/ourfamilybrand/ https://relationshipschool.com/relationshipmastery/ https://relationshipschool.com/getcoachingnow/ https://www.gettingtozerobook.com  

Do you find yourself in a relationship with someone who isn’t meeting you halfway? Are you curious to learn why your partner refuses to do their part of the work in the relationship? According to behavioral psychology, human beings are hedonistic. We prefer pleasure over pain, good over evil, comfortable over uncomfortable—even though  it is through discomfort that we grow. If you listen to the podcast, I consider you a growth/developmental-oriented person. If a non-growth/developmental-oriented person stays in a relationship with you long enough, they inevitably will bump up against discomfort and will do one of three things: run, check out, or sabotage. Tune in to this short episode to learn more about avoidance tactics, the number one reason your partner resists change, and the role shame plays in this dynamic. Useful Links: Download the transcript to Episode 421: The #1 Reason Your Partner Won't Do The Work https://relationshipschool.com/getcoachingnow/ https://www.gettingtozerobook.com

Have you ever wondered if there was something you could do quickly when you were triggered and it just made everything better?  This week we’re joined by Spiritual Coach Mamoon Yusaf who gives us the elevator speech description of the Qu’ran and it’s deeper meaning). He shares his experience growing up in a posh British grammar school as a young Pakistani boy, becoming a Spiritual Coach, and awakening as a way of owning his feelings, the reactions that changed his life and his relationships for the better. But most importantly he shares a quick method to work through triggers. Useful Links: https://mamoonyusaf.com/ Sign up for updates here: 7207044852 my.community.com/jaysongaddis/ https://relationshipschool.com/relationshipmastery/ https://relationshipschool.com/getcoachingnow/ https://www.gettingtozerobook.com