The Secure Love Podcast with Julie Menanno

We are picking right back up with Rachel and Mike. Today, we revisit a highly charged memory that perfectly illustrates their negative cycle: a unilateral family decision made during a massive winter storm that completely brushed past Rachel's fierce reservations. For a widow who has already lived through losing a spouse, this wasn't just a disagreement about driving conditions—it was a life-or-death trigger that sent the crushing message that her voice didn't matter. In this episode, we explore the clinical approach to anger. We uncover how a "sharp tongue" is often just a desperate, exhausted plea to be heard, and what happens when that fiery protest goes unvalidated and eventually burns out into silent despair. On the other side of the couch, Mike reveals how his endless logic and "word vomit" are actually a desperate shield to protect himself from the profound sadness of feeling utterly unseen and unappreciated. Witness what happens when the fortress finally comes down and they learn to hold space for each other's deepest wounds. Follow Julie Menanno on social media @thesecurerelationship. For weekly homework assignments visit our website: The Secure Relationship Podcast Take Julie's Anxious Attachment Course: Anxious Attachment: Self-Work Course Purchase Julie's book Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime.  

Think about a time you brought a really important concern to your partner, only to feel completely dismissed. When that happens over and over, you eventually stop bringing things up—not because the problem is solved, but because the pain of being unheard is just too heavy to keep risking. That is exactly where we find Rachel today. Recently, Rachel's daughter came to her feeling like some recent situations involving their step-parent dynamic just hadn't been fair. Hearing her daughter's frustration sparked something in Rachel. It made her realize that she had been noticing those exact same unfair dynamics, but she had been keeping quiet because the last time she tried to voice her concerns, she felt completely dismissed. In Emotionally Focused Therapy, we don't stay in the logistics of the fight. The specific details of the story don't actually matter, because conflict is always going to circle back to someone's attachment need going unmet. For Rachel, this private incident triggered a massive, ancient wound: the agonizing pain of feeling dismissed. And for Mike? Watching Rachel slip into that pain didn't just make him uncomfortable; it activated a terrifying catastrophization in his brain. His nervous system convinced him that he was going to fail her, the marriage would end, and he would be thrust back into the profound loneliness he experienced during his years as a single man. Today, you are going to hear what happens when we slow down the nervous system's automatic defenses and finally give these hidden fears a voice. Follow Julie Menanno on social media @thesecurerelationship. For weekly homework assignments visit our website: The Secure Relationship Podcast Take Julie's Anxious Attachment Course: Anxious Attachment: Self-Work Course Purchase Julie's book Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime.  

We pick right back up in the middle of our session with Rachel and Mike. After Rachel courageously bared her soul, the energy in the room is incredibly heavy. Now, we turn our focus to Mike. When you look at an Avoidant partner in moments of high emotional stress, the assumption is often that they come across as cold, detached, or simply don't care. But the reality is entirely different. Today, you are going to feel the suffocating wave of failure that crashes over Mike. We take a magnifying glass to his internal world and see how his tendency to justify, reason, and over-explain isn't him trying to be dismissive. It is actually his desperate, panicked attempt to regulate his own immense shame and manage the paralyzing physical tension of failing his wife. Witness what happens when the "fixer" finally puts down his tools, stops explaining the situation, and instead explains himself. Follow Julie Menanno on social media @thesecurerelationship. For weekly homework assignments visit our website: The Secure Relationship Podcast Take Julie's Anxious Attachment Course: Anxious Attachment: Self-Work Course Purchase Julie's book Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime.  

Have you ever fought so hard for a connection that one day, you simply run out of energy? You stop yelling. You stop protesting. You just… go quiet. That is exactly where we find Rachel today. Exhausted from years of feeling emotionally dropped, Rachel's nervous system is so overloaded that she has shifted from anxious pursuit into complete emotional numbing. She is grappling with a dark, heavy belief that she is fundamentally 'too much' to be loved. In this episode, we gently unpack that heavy suitcase of grief. We trace Rachel's fear of rejection all the way back to her childhood, to a little girl who was teased and left entirely alone to manage her pain. We explore what happens when we use "distractions"—focusing on the thousands of little problems we have to solve throughout the day—as a way to control the dark, horrible place of feelings inside of us. You will hear how those early experiences of emotional abandonment built the invisible walls Rachel is hiding behind right now, and what happens when we finally slow down to ask the body: What is your fear fearing? What does your fear need? Follow Julie Menanno on social media @thesecurerelationship. For weekly homework assignments visit our website: The Secure Relationship Podcast Take Julie's Anxious Attachment Course: Anxious Attachment: Self-Work Course Purchase Julie's book Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime.  

Leading up to this week's session, we have established a new foundation of vulnerability and we tackle one of the biggest challenges in their relationship: Mike's family. For Rachel, the family dynamic is an environment where she feels constantly pushed to the side. But for Mike, stepping out of line with his parents triggers a profound, physical alarm response in his nervous system. In this episode, we dive deep into the agonizing tension Mike feels being wedged between his wife and his family, and how the intense fear of disappointing others drives his avoidance. By staying grounded in his body instead of escaping into his head to "fix" the problem, Mike is able to show Rachel his true emotional state. He admits that his avoidance isn't a lack of care, but a desperate attempt to regulate his own overwhelming fear. The moment he shares this vulnerability, everything changes. Rachel doesn't feel abandoned; she feels safe and co-regulated. Together, they take their first steps out of their negative loop and begin building a new, positive cycle. Follow Julie Menanno on social media @thesecurerelationship. For weekly homework assignments visit our website: The Secure Relationship Podcast Take Julie's Anxious Attachment Course: Anxious Attachment: Self-Work Course Purchase Julie's book Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime.  

If you listened to our previous episode, you know Rachel and Mike ended their first session with a beautiful breakthrough. But in the real world of relationships, progress is rarely linear. In this episode, we drop into the next session to find Rachel fighting a powerful urge to detach. Exhausted from years of feeling emotionally dropped despite providing him with a "roadmap" to her heart, her nervous system is sending her a painful, familiar message: she is fundamentally flawed, and her emotional needs are just "too much" for him. On the other side of the couch, Mike is equally exhausted. He desperately wants to comfort Rachel but hits an absolute wall when faced with her deep sadness. To understand why, we trace Mike's emotional avoidance all the way back to its roots—uncovering a painful history of childhood bullying and a family culture where heavy emotions were minimized with baked goods and phrases like "don't sweat the small stuff." Together, we discover that Mike isn't being intentionally dismissive of his wife's pain; he is simply using the only emotional survival strategy he was ever taught. Follow Julie Menanno on social media @thesecurerelationship. For weekly homework assignments visit our website: The Secure Relationship Podcast Take Julie's Anxious Attachment Course: Anxious Attachment: Self-Work Course Purchase Julie's book Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime.  

Welcome back to the second half of our first session with Rachel and Mike . After Rachel courageously opens up about her deep grief and abandonment fears, the emotional stakes in the room are high . For an Avoidant partner like Mike, this is a terrifying moment . Instead of leaning into the emotion, his natural instinct is to run to the safety of his intellect—over-explaining, rationalizing, and trying to "fix" the problem to make the discomfort stop . In this episode, we slow everything down to understand the overwhelming physical tension and fear of failure that drives Mike's avoidance . We reach a profound breakthrough as we uncover the truth behind the Avoidant struggle: Mike isn't abandoning Rachel because he doesn't care; he is leaving her because he doesn't know how to stay with himself. Follow Julie Menanno on social media @thesecurerelationship. For weekly homework assignments visit our website: The Secure Relationship Podcast Take Julie's Anxious Attachment Course: Anxious Attachment: Self-Work Course Purchase Julie's book Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime.  

We are kicking off Season 3 with a brand new couple, Rachel and Mike. Unlike previous seasons, we are using an intensive therapy model, diving deep into their dynamic over a compressed timeframe. On paper, Rachel and Mike are a committed power couple running a successful business. But underneath, they are stuck in a painful anxious-avoidant cycle. Rachel has shifted from protesting for connection to silently shutting down to protect herself , while Mike, our avoidant partner, is emotionally completely alone, trying to "fix" her pain from the safety of his head. In this episode, we use the TEMPO model (Trigger, Emotion, Meaning, Protection, Organization) to unpack a recent conflict about family boundaries. We watch the cycle take over, and then pivot away from the surface fight down into the deep, unresolved grief and abandonment driving Rachel's fear. Follow Julie Menanno on social media @thesecurerelationship. For weekly homework assignments visit our website: The Secure Relationship Podcast Take Julie's Anxious Attachment Course: Anxious Attachment: Self-Work Course Purchase Julie's book Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime.  

In Season 3 of The Secure Love Podcast, Julie Menanno introduces Rachel and Mike—a couple who look perfect on paper but are quietly drowning in the dark. Rachel, a widow who risked everything for a fresh start, finds herself in a lonely battle for priority, while Mike, the "steady" husband, retreats into his head to avoid failing her. This season goes beyond communication struggles into the raw reality of grief, financial betrayal, and the silent erosion of trust. Witness what happens when an anxious partner stops fighting and an avoidant partner finally admits, "I leave you because I leave me." Season 3 begins next week. Subscribe now to follow their journey. Follow Julie Menanno on social media @thesecurerelationship. For weekly homework assignments visit our website: The Secure Relationship Podcast Attend a course or worshop hosted by Julie: Attachment Theory and Relationship Growth Courses Purchase Julie's book Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime

Following the season finale, we gathered for a special live Q&A to process this journey together. With the couple absent, Julie takes the floor to answer direct questions from the audience about the season's difficult ending, diving deeper into the dynamics of shame, regression, and the hard truth that healing isn't always linear. We want to extend a brief but heartfelt thank you to Bethany and Brian for their courage in sharing their story with us. Their vulnerability has provided invaluable lessons for us all. Finally, a massive thank you to you, our listeners, for following along this season. Thank you for holding space for this process, for your curiosity, and for your commitment to understanding the complexities of relationships. Send your questions or comments for future episodes via email or voice note to support@thesecurerelationship.com and stay tuned for Season 3!

We enter the final session of Season 2 with a deep dive into the roots of shame. Julie steps in to distinguish shame from guilt, helping Brian see that his exhaustion and relentless drive for success aren't just personality traits—they are survival strategies designed to hide a core belief of being "defective" or "less than" . The session culminates in a moment of true openness, where Brian practices asking for support rather than acting out . However, we end with a sobering update on where the couple is today. Despite periods of profound connection and plans to reunite, old patterns re-emerged, reminding us that progress requires consistency to survive the inevitable regressions . This week, instead of a homework prompt, we invite you to join our upcoming Live Q&A session with Julie next Monday, January 26th to debrief this heavy season. We want to hear your questions and experiences—both the hard parts and the helpful ones—as we process the reality of healing together Register for the Season 2 Q&A Live Episode: Season 2 Listener Q&A Follow Julie Menanno on social media @thesecurerelationship. For weekly homework assignments visit our website: The Secure Relationship Podcast Take Julie's Anxious Attachment Course: Anxious Attachment: Self-Work Course Purchase Julie's book Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime.    

We begin in a difficult place, with Brian feeling targeted and defensive, and still strugging to see his role in the negative cycle. Julie confronts this directly, pushing for ownership to uncover the shame underneath . This leads to a crucial realization: Brian's "overwhelm" during their hardest years wasn't just bad luck, but partially self-inflicted by a desperate need to over-perform and avoid feeling "less than" The session pivots from intellectualizing to a "tender moment" of profound accountability . Brian offers a genuine apology for abandoning Bethany during her miscarriage and their financial crisis, admitting that his drive to prove his worth came at the cost of the connection he wanted most This week's prompt: Look at where you are over-functioning in your life. Are you "too busy" or "working too hard"? Ask yourself: What feeling are you trying to outrun—are you avoiding feeling ordinary, adequate, or "less than"? And what is that pursuit costing your relationship right now? . Send your responses to this prompt or any questions/comments you have about the podcast via email or voice note to support@thesecurerelationship.com . Your submission might be featured on a future episode. Follow Julie Menanno on social media @thesecurerelationship. For weekly homework assignments visit our website: The Secure Relationship Podcast Take Julie's Anxious Attachment Course: Anxious Attachment: Self-Work Course Purchase Julie's book Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime.  

We begin with a powerful example of breaking generational cycles: Brian shares a breakthrough moment with his daughter, helping her process bullying instead of telling her to "toughen up" . This shifts to an exploration of Brian's own history—the "very good reasons" for his perfectionism and "hard outer shell," tracing back to a critical teacher and feelings of abandonment . We unpack the concept of "running on empty." Brian realizes his "short fuse" isn't just malice; it's the cost of a lifetime of over-functioning and burning the candle at both ends . The session culminates in a pivot toward accountability, with Brian owning "50%" of the negative cycle and acknowledging that his survival strategies are now sabotaging his marriage . This week's prompt: Look at your own "bad behavior" in the relationship. How often do you allow yourself to really sit in "this is mine," without drifting back into explaining "why" it exists? Try to sit with the actual pain—the unresolved grief or shame—that the behavior is trying to manage . Send your responses to this prompt or any questions/comments you have about the podcast via email or voice note to support@thesecurerelationship.com. Your submission might be featured on a future episode. Follow Julie Menanno on social media @thesecurerelationship. For weekly homework assignments visit our website: The Secure Relationship Podcast Take Julie's Anxious Attachment Course: Anxious Attachment: Self-Work Course Purchase Julie's book Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime

We continue to ride a wave of progress this week. Bethany and Brian report zero negative cycles, and Bethany steps up during a family crisis, healing the wound of Brian's daughter feeling "dropped". We then pivot to the deeper wounds driving Brian's intense perfectionism. A seemingly small conflict about mulch reveals his childhood history of feeling "less than" his peers, driving him to hold himself and Bethany to unrealistic standards to avoid ever feeling that inadequacy again . The core of this session challenges Brian's belief—learned from a stoic grandfather and a volatile mother—that vulnerability is a "weakness" . When he risks sharing his fear of being "less than," Bethany doesn't reject him; she connects, telling him it triggers her desire to help . The somatic shift is profound: Brian describes feeling "liberated" and finally having "full breathable lungs" . This week's prompt: Think about a part of yourself that you hide because you label it a "weakness"—is it your anxiety, your need for reassurance, or a feeling of not being good enough? What would happen if you shared that part with your partner, not as a complaint, but as a confession? Send your responses to this prompt or any questions/comments you have about the podcast via email or voice note to support@thesecurerelationship.com. Your submission might be featured on a future episode. Follow Julie Menanno on social media @thesecurerelationship. For weekly homework assignments visit our website: The Secure Relationship Podcast Take Julie's Anxious Attachment Course: Anxious Attachment: Self-Work Course Purchase Julie's book Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime

We start with a victory: Bethany and Brian successfully navigate a conflict without spiraling, turning a sarcastic comment into a moment of repair . Digging deeper, we find the wound fueling Brian's sarcasm: a fear that his daughter is being "segregated" or "dropped," just as he was by an uncle in childhood . Brian shares the pain of feeling like a "test drive kid" who was easily replaced. The breakthrough arrives when Bethany reveals she is fighting the exact same battle—feeling overwhelmed and convinced that she and their baby "don't matter" either . It's a powerful look at how two people can fight for the same thing—significance—while fighting against each other. This week's prompt: Think about a recurring fight you have with your partner. What is the deep, childhood wound that might be getting triggered? Are you fighting to be heard, to be chosen, or to matter? See if you can identify the specific feeling underneath the conflict. Send your responses to this prompt or any questions/comments you have about the podcast via email or voice note to support@thesecureelationship.com. Your submission might be featured on a future episode. Follow Julie Menanno on social media @thesecurerelationship. For weekly homework assignments visit our website: The Secure Relationship Podcast Take Julie's Anxious Attachment Course: Anxious Attachment: Self-Work Course Purchase Julie's book Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime

We are finally seeing genuine momentum. This week, Bethany and Brian report being in a "good space," having successfully navigated a conflict without spiraling into a negative cycle for the first time in weeks. You'll hear how Bethany paused to articulate her intent, allowing Brian to truly hear her rather than react. This session focuses on solidifying that win through somatic work—helping Brian's nervous system physically "install" the feeling of peace . We also revisit Bethany's "badass" comment to uncover the deep shame she has carried regarding her financial infidelity. She admits that feeling "flawed" led her to hide her true self . The breakthrough comes when her vulnerability is met not with anger, but with validation, proving they are finally building a positive cycle. This week's prompt: Recall a recent moment where you felt truly heard or understood by your partner. Close your eyes, bring that memory to mind, and notice: what physically happens in your body? Does your chest loosen? Does your breath deepen? Practice feeling that safety. Send your responses to this prompt or any questions/comments you have about the podcast via email or voice note to support@thesecurerelationship.com. Your submission might be featured on a future episode. Follow Julie Menanno on social media @thesecurerelationship. For weekly homework assignments visit our website: The Secure Relationship Podcast Register for Repairing After a Negative Cycle Workshop (Dec 11th): Click to Register Purchase Julie's book Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime

Last week, we explored the "why" behind Bethany's avoidant behavior. This week, we go deeper, uncovering the pain she has been silently carrying to keep the peace. For years, Bethany has minimized her own needs, believing her hurts "don't rise to the level" of the pain she caused Brian. But this silence has come at a cost: disconnection, resentment, and the loss of her own voice. In a powerful moment of reclaiming her assertiveness, Bethany reconnects with the "badass" she used to be. We explore what healthy assertion looks like for an avoidant partner and why standing up for yourself is actually an act of love for the relationship. We then turn to Brian to understand the "very good reasons" behind his disrespectful protests, revealing that his anger is often a desperate "air horn" trying to wake his partner up to his pain. This week's prompt: Reflect on a time you minimized your own hurt to keep the peace. What part of yourself did you have to silence, and what would it look like to reclaim that voice today? Send your responses to this prompt or any questions/comments you have about the podcast via email or voice note to support@thesecurerelationship.com. Your submission might be featured on a future episode. Follow Julie Menanno on social media @thesecurerelationship. For weekly homework assignments visit our website: The Secure Relationship Podcast Register for Repairing After a Negative Cycle Workshop: Click to Register Purchase Julie's book Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime

Last week, we sat with Brian's heavy narrative that Bethany is "out to get him." This week, we turn the lens around to understand the experience of the avoidant partner. We explore a conflict about picking up their sick daughter from daycare, where Bethany's genuine attempt to help is misread as control, leaving her feeling like the "bad guy" yet again. We finally unveil the "why" behind Bethany's lack of emotion. We learn that her "stone face" isn't indifference; it is a desperate shield against the pain of feeling like a failure. The breakthrough happens when she admits, "I'm not trying to avoid you... I'm just trying to shut out the pain," causing Brian to soften and feel hope for the first time in weeks. This week's prompt: Think about your own version of the "stone face." When you shut down, go numb, or get super logical—what specific feeling are you trying to avoid? Are you protecting yourself from feeling like a failure or from feeling rejected? Send your responses to this prompt or any questions/comments you have about the podcast via email or voice note to support@thesecurerelationship.com. Your submission might be featured on a future episode. Follow Julie Menanno on social media @thesecurerelationship. For weekly homework assignments visit our website: The Secure Relationship Podcast Take Julie's Anxious Attachment Course: Anxious Attachment: Self-Work Course Purchase Julie's book Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime

After a long holiday break, Bethany and Brian have lost momentum and are "not in a good spot." Brian opens the session feeling "checked out" and asks, "Is this insanity?" while Bethany feels like she's "walking on eggshells," afraid to trigger him. The core of the session focuses on the main block to their progress: Brian's unshakeable and "unworkable" narrative that Bethany is "maliciously out to get him." We explore how Brian's history—from his mother to the financial infidelity to a new story from Christmas—has conditioned him to default to this narrative. The breakthrough comes in reframing this belief not as a fact, but as a safety strategy. His brain defaults to "she's malicious" because it offers a simple solution to his deep pain ("unlovable," "a fool"): it gives him "permission" to leave, which feels safer than being vulnerable. This week's prompt: This week, we worked on the reframe from 'she's malicious' to 'she's just hurt and in her protective mode.' Think about your partner's most triggering behavior. What is the malicious story you automatically tell yourself about it? And what might the 'they're just hurt' version of that story be? Send your responses to this prompt or any questions/comments you have about the podcast via email or voice note to support@thesecurerelationship.com. Your submission might be featured in a future episode. Follow Julie Menanno on social media @thesecurerelationship. For weekly homework assignments visit our website: The Secure Relationship Podcast Take Julie's Anxious Attachment Course: Anxious Attachment: Self-Work Course Purchase Julie's book Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime

Is there an expiration date on old wounds? This week, Brian struggles with seeing Bethany receive empathy for her car accident, as it triggers a deep, unspoken pain from his own past trauma. Months earlier, he was the victim of a violent attack that left him unable to work and feeling alone, which became the foundation for his "I'm done, I'm leaving" stance and his feeling of being a "second-class citizen." This session is about the courage it takes to finally give voice to old hurt. The turning point isn't about deciding whose trauma was worse; it's the powerful breakthrough that happens when Brian shares his vulnerability, and Bethany, instead of defending, meets it with empathy, saying it "softens me." It's a profound lesson in co-regulation and how learning to receive each other's pain is the true foundation of healing. This week's prompt: Reflect on an old hurt that still shows up in your current relationship. What is the feeling that gets triggered, and what do you wish your partner could see in that moment? Send your responses to this prompt or any questions/comments you have about the podcast via email or voice note to support@thesecurerelationship.com. Your submission might be featured on a future episode.