You Can't Do That

It's the return of a YCDT tradition: Rave, Eva, and Kelly assess the Stanley Cup Playoffs round one matchups to determine the non-hockey games these teams should actually be playing based on their shared auras, histories, and hopes. To hear the rest of this bonus segment, support us on Patreon!

"Wienerpeg our way to the top." The Caps are teetering on the precipice of doing something SO hilarious. You may listen to this episode after their fate has been sealed - if so, please enjoy this snapshot of Eva, Rave, and Kelly's mental and emotional state in the before times. Also on the ol' outline this week: uncrunchable Nicke, calm collected Cooley, the Yotes' no good very bad ownership, and an ode to scholar-author Lexi LaFleur Brown. This episode was recorded on April 14, 2024. Support the pod: Follow us on TikTok @youcantdohockey, get bonus content on Patreon @ patreon.com/youcantdothat, and find merch @ shop.spreadshirt.com/you-cant-do-that! Thanks. We love you. Timecodes: (1:56) Bad Apples | (11:48) Caps chat | (48:38) Elsewhere in the NHL

"He meant what he yelled." Our Washington Capitals remain too stupid to realize that they are dead and Kelly, Rave, and Eva are delighted! What a time we're all having! Topics for discussion include TJ's 1000th, the Pens' existential dread, Kuzy's new nest, Torts' hissy fit, the Larkin-less Red Wings, and a funky little Pittsburgh mystery. This episode was recorded on March 17, 2024. Support the pod: Follow us on TikTok @youcantdohockey, get bonus content on Patreon @ patreon.com/youcantdothat, and find merch @ shop.spreadshirt.com/you-cant-do-that! Thanks. We love you. Timecodes: (2:05) League Library | (17:05) Elsewhere in the NHL

"Who to the core." Much occurred while this pod was fighting off illness, so Rave, Kelly, and Eva roll up their sleeves to tackle an agenda that includes the half-life of cocaine, Ted's big fail, Auston's golf...pod?, the Tampa yakuza, and the brief but appreciated heroism of Anthony Manthony. And in the distance, the trade deadline looms...This episode was recorded on March 3, 2024. Further reading: ”Team Turmoil: A Mystery Owner, Squabbling Management, A Nine-figure Debt And A Rotten Record Have Put The Tampa Bay Lightning, Probably The Worst-run Franchise In Sports, On The Brink Of Ruin” by Lester Munson for Sports Illustrated, March 1998Support the pod: Follow us on TikTok @youcantdohockey, get bonus content on Patreon @ patreon.com/youcantdothat, and find merch @ shop.spreadshirt.com/you-cant-do-that! Thanks. We love you. Timecodes: (3:11) Good Art vs. Bad Art | (11:03) Caps chat | (43:26) Elsewhere in the NHL

"We have sparkling water money on the line." There's a lot about this year's All Star weekend for Eva, Kelly, and Rave to analyze, including Brock Boeser's "Favorite Boy" award, Kuch's boos, Michael Buble's drug experience, and...those player portraits. You know the ones. Also: Ovi's got his groove back; odes to discontinued jerseys; and an update from Kelly's Canucks corner. This episode was recorded on February 11, 2024. Support the pod: Follow us on TikTok @youcantdohockey, get bonus content on Patreon @ patreon.com/youcantdothat, and find merch @ shop.spreadshirt.com/you-cant-do-that! Thanks. We love you. Timecodes: (2:57) Bug Fixes | (10:10) All Star weekend | (46:01) Caps chat | (1:03:15) Elsewhere in the NHL

"The Amazing...Unlawful Confinement." Did you know that like our Washington Capitals, YCDT has a fun little freak tunnel of our own? Kelly, Eva, and Rave are having a grand ol' time in there. Coaching trends are getting analyzed, forcibly-separated bonded pairs are being mourned, improvements to the All Star Game are being suggested (AGAIN. FOREVER). Come hang in the freak tunnel with us!! This episode was recorded on January 18, 2024. Support the pod: Follow us on TikTok @youcantdohockey, get bonus content on Patreon @ patreon.com/youcantdothat, and find merch @ shop.spreadshirt.com/you-cant-do-that! Thanks. We love you. Timecodes: (4:05) HIRE US, NHL ALL-STAR GAME | (18:49) Elsewhere in the NHL

"It's bad pedagogy." It's a new year! But like the Washington Capitals, this pod is back on its traditional and beloved bullshit. And we've lots to discuss, including Ethan Bear, the Pens-Caps nursing home derby, leech fears, the return of Dima, hot mic vendettas, broken jaws, classiness, and whether or not we want Dylan Strome to face Connor McDavid at the ASG in front of god and everyone so we can study his micro-expressions in gif form. (Opinion is, in fact, divided.) This episode was recorded on January 7, 2024. Support the pod: Follow us on TikTok @youcantdohockey, get bonus content on Patreon @ patreon.com/youcantdothat, and find merch @ shop.spreadshirt.com/you-cant-do-that! Thanks. We love you. Timecodes: (3:46) Matchmaker | (14:26) Caps chat |(49:10) Elsewhere in the NHL

"No more Kuzy sauce in the pasta room." The Caps are frolicking through this season with a buoyancy that Eva, Rave, and Kelly cannot help but be charmed by: Kuzy sauce? Tom trick? Dallas slut-ery?? C'mon, we're only human. Also on the agenda: hunting for Bear, Jacob Trouba's artistic explorations, Chicago and Detroit warring for Eva's heart, Rod's angry Bod, the Flyers renaissance, and MONEY MONEY MONEY. And WAGs. This episode was recorded on December 10, 2023. Support the pod: Follow us on TikTok @youcantdohockey, get bonus content on Patreon @ patreon.com/youcantdothat, and find merch @ shop.spreadshirt.com/you-cant-do-that! Thanks. We love you. Timecodes: (2:19) He Got That Horse In Him | (8:08) Caps chat | (34:33) Elsewhere in the NHL | (47:26) WAGs sidebar | (57:25) Elsewhere, continued

"Put a bag over your birdcage." Critical questions for Kelly, Rave, and Eva this week: Who's the Selling Sunset and who's the Prison Break? Who's the Patrik Laine and who's the Taylor Hall? Who's getting his biceps squeezed on Swedish TV and who's remaking his struggling professional organization in his image? And do you think Sid & Ovi saved hockey or are you WRONG? This episode was recorded on November 26, 2023. Support the pod: Follow us on TikTok @youcantdohockey, get bonus content on Patreon @ patreon.com/youcantdothat, and find merch @ shop.spreadshirt.com/you-cant-do-that! Thanks. We love you. Timecodes: (3:26) Over the River & Thru the Woods | (15:33) Sid & Ovi saved hockey, actually | (22:07) Caps chat | (33:09) Elsewhere in the NHL

"All my life to game." On the emotional scale of Canadian hockey teams, how are YOU doing? Because Nicklas Bäckström is "stepping away from the game" so Rave, Kelly, and Eva aren't great!! At least we have Capitals' Halloween costumes, a Sharks win, and Sabres Speed Dating to soothe us. This episode was recorded on November 12, 2023. Support the pod: Follow us on TikTok @youcantdohockey, get bonus content on Patreon @ patreon.com/youcantdothat, and find merch @ shop.spreadshirt.com/you-cant-do-that! Thanks. We love you. Timecodes: (3:58) Am I The Asshole? | (13:45) Caps chat | (45:53) Elsewhere in the NHL

"He does not. Give. One. Hell." Eva, Kelly, and Rave are shocked - SHOCKED! To discover there's GAMBLING going on in this hockey establishment! This week they're checking in on the latest from Ottawa, observing the Dylan Strome of it all in Washington and the Connor Bedard-ing in Chicago, bidding a fond farewell to Jumbo Joe, and scolding the league YET AGAIN for writing dry-erase checks it can't cash. This episode was recorded on October 29, 2023. Support the pod: Follow us on TikTok @youcantdohockey, get bonus content on Patreon @ patreon.com/youcantdothat, and find merch @ shop.spreadshirt.com/you-cant-do-that! Thanks. We love you. Timecodes: (3:16) Mascot-ween | (9:49) Caps chat | (32:00) Elsewhere in the NHL | (58:10) Kelly’s Canucks Corner feat. the Oilers

"That gyre is gonna f*ckin' widen, baby." The NHL banned rainbow stick tape celebrations of LGBTQ+ support, but as usual, the joke's on the league because this pod's gay little hands are all over this sport and will be forever. Kelly, Rave, and Eva weigh in on that nonsense, plus a fun and flirty week of good, bad, and unimportant hockey from the Pens, Canucks, and Caps, respectively. This episode was recorded on October 15, 2023. Support the pod: Follow us on TikTok @youcantdohockey, get bonus content on Patreon @ patreon.com/youcantdothat, and find merch @ shop.spreadshirt.com/you-cant-do-that! Thanks. We love you. Timecodes: (4:02) Couples Costumes | (13:10) Pride tape discussion | (19:03) Caps chat | (26:33) Elsewhere in the NHL

"There's something delightful about a rat boy forcing your hand." Rave, Kelly, and Eva are sooooo back, and with quite a summer to recap, from Kuzy's unfiltered interview to Mark Badcop's blessedly brief time as CBJ coach and the return of both spite-fueled Nicke and noted Sidney Crosby fan Evgeni Malkin. This episode was recorded on October 2, 2023. Support the pod: Follow us on TikTok @youcantdohockey, get bonus content on Patreon @ patreon.com/youcantdothat, and find merch @ shop.spreadshirt.com/you-cant-do-that! Thanks. We love you. Timecodes: (3:45) (All) Star Dew Valley | (11:10) Caps summer recap | (45:40) NHL summer recap

"They're both sans serif." That's a wrap on the '22-'23 NHL season! While our preferred goobers may not have won, Kelly, Eva, and Rave have room in their hearts for some Vegas narratives, too. Plus: Checking in on terrible coaches, fractured locker rooms, Kyle, and our babiest baby's new baby on board. This episode was recorded on June 18, 2023. Support the pod: Follow us on TikTok @youcantdohockey, get bonus content on Patreon @ patreon.com/youcantdothat, and find merch @ shop.spreadshirt.com/you-cant-do-that! Thanks. We love you. Timecodes: (2:59) Guess Who? | (11:15) The Stanley Cup Final | (41:44) PLD and the Jets | (48:19) Darryl Sutter and the Flames | (59:35) Mike Babcock and the Blue Jackets | (1:07:11) Elsewhere in the NHL: Canucks, Leafs, Kyle, Caps

"The burden of c*nt to serve." Climb in the Little Stuart car with Eva, Rave, and Kelly for a lightly belated check-in on two rounds of playoffs magic and NHL admin dumbassery featuring media darling Matthew Tkachuk, super-loser Jamie Benn, seductress Sidney Crosby, the agony and ecstasy of Kyle Dubas, and oh so much more. This episode was recorded on May 29, 2023. Support the pod: Follow us on TikTok @youcantdohockey, get bonus content on Patreon @ patreon.com/youcantdothat, find merch @ shop.spreadshirt.com/you-cant-do-that! Thanks. We love you. Timecodes: (5:40) HELLO POLICE???? | (15:10) Playoffs catch-up | (1:01:27) NHL admin changes 

"It's mouth stuff." Round 1 was weird and fun as hell, but now we're heading into Round 2 of Stanley Cuppery with a set of teams that feel like mismatched gag gift shot glasses from the thrift shop. Please don't misunderstand: Rave, Eva, and Kelly are LOVING it. This episode was recorded on May 3, 2023.Get bonus content on Patreon @ patreon.com/youcantdothat and check out our merch @ shop.spreadshirt.com/you-cant-do-that! Thanks. We love you. Timecodes: (2:12) Experience Cuppage | (12:24) Coaches corner | (24:00) Oilers/Golden Knights | (26:18) Kraken/Stars | (38:21) Leafs/Panthers | (1:01:19) Devils/Canes | (1:11:42) #ALLCAPS | (1:18:26) Coaches corner again | (1:22:06) Elsewhere in the NHL

"Quinn is for the she/hers." The Washington Capitals are officially out of this year’s playoff race, lol. But so are the Pittsburgh Penguins! Thankfully, between the soap opera of these two miserable teams and the various comedies, dramas, and genre films that make up the Round 1 matchups, Kelly, Rave, and Eva have a whole Blockbuster’s worth of DVDs to enjoy. This episode was recorded on April 16, 2023. Get bonus content on Patreon @ patreon.com/youcantdothat and check out our merch @ shop.spreadshirt.com/you-cant-do-that! Thanks. We love you. Timecodes: (2:09) Playoffs Mood Board | (20:32) #ALLCAPS | (40:51) YCDT Is A Pens Podcast | (1:01:29) Elsewhere in the NHL | (1:17:33) Playoffs Predictions

"Wayne WHATsky?!" The only people cruising more calmly to the end of this NHL season than the reigning Bruins are Rave, Kelly, and Eva as the Capitals peter out like a womp-womp trombone. Better luck next year, babes! Let's check in on some of our other boys thriving in new markets and make fun of homophobic idiots instead! This episode was recorded on April 4, 2023.Get bonus content on Patreon @ patreon.com/youcantdothat and check out our merch @ shop.spreadshirt.com/you-cant-do-that! Thanks. We love you. Timecodes: (3:00) Advise Me! | (5:38) #ALLCAPS | (11:21) Ex-Caps Corner | (39:32) Elsewhere in the NHL | (59:33) PRIDE DISCOURSE | (1:15:38) Boys Playing Games

"Kuzmas is the same." Can someone puhLEAZE tell the Washington Capitals to just stop already? Eva, Kelly, and Rave are tired of trying and we need a solution before these guys beat all odds and logic and wind up in the playoffs through some egregious twist of fate. Plus: Throw him in the Bin-nington; St. Louis Beans; and a visit from an old...well, maybe "friend" isn't the right word. This episode was recorded on March 19, 2023.Get bonus content on Patreon @ patreon.com/youcantdothat and check out our merch @ shop.spreadshirt.com/you-cant-do-that! Thanks. We love you. Timecodes: (2:57) AI Mr. DJ | (10:49) #ALLCAPS | (31:54) Elsewhere in the NHL

"The sunk-JT fallacy." This year's trade deadline lasted several years and was chock full of dramas, from the lowbrow (New York Ranger Patrick Kane) to the high (farewell Dima and Garnet, our beloveds), so Kelly, Eva, and Rave spend a nice long time discussing everything. Plus: A thorough analysis of the sun/moon/rising signs of the league's top-line trios. This episode was recorded on March 5, 2023.Get bonus content on Patreon @ patreon.com/youcantdothat and check out our merch @ shop.spreadshirt.com/you-cant-do-that! Thanks. We love you. Timecodes: (2:41) Linestrology | (34:27) #AllCAPS | (59:13) Elsewhere in the NHL