Episode 1563 - Beth Stelling
3Digest
This podcast episode features a conversation between Mark Marin and comedian Beth Stelling. The episode begins with Marin sharing his own experiences and observations, including his lack of interest in the Olympics, his encounter with a seagull in Boston, and his thoughts on the decline of attention spans. He then introduces Stelling, discussing her Netflix special and her writing for the HBO show "Crashing." The conversation delves into Stelling's stand-up journey, her relationship with her family, and her experiences with trauma. She shares stories about her childhood, her father's mental illness, and her own struggles with codependency. Stelling emphasizes the importance of setting boundaries, taking personal responsibility, and finding healthy ways to connect with others. She also discusses the power of humor as a coping mechanism and the importance of sharing stories to promote healing and understanding. Throughout the episode, Stelling reveals her vulnerability and her willingness to confront difficult topics. She discusses the impact of trauma on her life and her ongoing journey of self-discovery. She also shares her insights on the importance of authenticity, empathy, and acceptance. The episode concludes with Stelling reflecting on her hopes for the future and her commitment to using her platform to promote open dialogue about trauma and mental health.
Outlines
Introduction and NUM App Advertisement
The podcast begins with a brief introduction by Mark Marin, followed by an advertisement for the NUM app, a weight loss plan that caters to individual needs and dietary restrictions.
Mark Marin's Vancouver Olympics Experience and Initial Thoughts
Mark Marin shares his experience in Vancouver, where he's not particularly engaged with the Olympics, despite knowing many people are watching. He reflects on his lack of interest and wonders if he's drifting away from the mainstream.
Introducing Beth Stelling and Initial Conversation
Mark Marin introduces his guest, Beth Stelling, a comedian with a Netflix special and writer for the HBO show "Crashing." He expresses his admiration for her work and discusses how he initially overlooked her talent.
Seagulls, Mushrooms, and Losing Respect for Seagulls
Mark Marin continues his musings, referencing a seagull he sees from his Vancouver hotel window. He reminisces about a trip to Boston where he and a friend took mushrooms and encountered a seagull with a half-eaten fried chicken wing, an experience that led him to lose respect for the birds.
Life, Work, and Balance and Stamps.com Advertisement
Mark Marin discusses the concept of work-life balance, acknowledging the difficulty of separating work from life. He promotes stamps.com as a tool for managing postage needs and saving time.
Attention Spans and Emotional Content
Mark Marin reflects on the decline of attention spans, arguing that technology and the constant influx of emotional content have negatively impacted our brains. He shares his own experience of becoming hyper-aware of staying engaged with the world around him.
Full Engagement and Emotional Overload
Mark Marin describes his experience of becoming fully immersed in a movie on an airplane, feeling the emotions of the characters as if they were his own. He contrasts this with the multitasking behavior of the passenger next to him, highlighting the different ways people engage with the world.
Processing Grief and Trauma
Mark Marin explores the concept of grief and how it affects our engagement with life. He shares his own struggles with processing trauma and the idea that some things we experience may never be fully overcome.
Simply Safe Home Security Advertisement
Mark Marin promotes Simply Safe home security, emphasizing its 24/7 monitoring and peace of mind. He offers a special discount for WTF listeners.
First Conversation with Beth Stelling
Mark Marin introduces his conversation with Beth Stelling, highlighting her recent Netflix special and podcast co-hosting role. He describes the interview as a first conversation with a comedian he didn't know well.
Record Selling and Self-Awareness
Mark Marin recounts a story about selling some of his records to a record store owner, revealing his own self-awareness about his tendency to undervalue his possessions and his desire to be liked.
La Croix and Codependency
Mark Marin shares a humorous anecdote about a past relationship where his partner disapproved of his La Croix consumption. He reflects on the codependency aspects of the relationship and how he used the situation as material for his stand-up routine.
Losing Jokes and the Elusive Nature of Comedy
Mark Marin discusses the challenges of remembering and recreating jokes, acknowledging that he rarely listens back to his own material. He compares the process to the waves eroding rocks, suggesting that some jokes are meant to be lost and others will naturally resurface.
The Power of Jokes and the Importance of Originality
Mark Marin shares a story about a friend who remembered a joke he told and how he struggled to recreate it. He reflects on the elusive nature of comedy and the importance of recognizing when a joke is not his own.
The Annoyance of Stolen Jokes and the Hard Work of Comedy
Mark Marin expresses his annoyance when people attribute jokes to him that he didn't write. He questions the motivation behind such behavior and reflects on the hard work that goes into creating original material.
The Challenge of Knowing Everyone and the Impact of COVID
Mark Marin discusses his difficulty in knowing everyone, particularly younger comedians, and attributes this to the rise of younger talent and the impact of COVID. He expresses his aversion to being the person who doesn't remember someone they've met before.
The "I Met You at..." Syndrome and the Importance of Authenticity
Mark Marin shares a story about a young comedian who claimed to have seen him perform at various festivals, despite not being on the lineup. He contrasts this with Beth Stelling's authentic and humorous response to a similar situation.
The "Tiger Lily" Moment and the Unpredictability of Comedy
Mark Marin reminisces about a memorable encounter with Beth Stelling at a comedy show in 2011, describing the awkwardness of the situation and the unpredictable nature of comedy.
Beth Stelling's Stand-Up Journey
Beth Stelling shares her stand-up journey, revealing that she started in Chicago after trying stand-up in college. She discusses her hometown of Dayton, Ohio, and her recent hometown special.
Family Dynamics and the Impact of Comedy
Beth Stelling discusses her relationship with her father, who is supportive of her comedy career. She shares a story about a neighbor's comment that hurt her father's feelings and how her father's reaction reflects his own insecurities.
The Importance of Boundaries and Personal Responsibility
Beth Stelling continues to discuss her family dynamics, emphasizing the importance of setting boundaries and taking personal responsibility for one's actions. She reflects on the challenges of navigating a complex family history.
Loyalty Programs and the Importance of Using Benefits
Beth Stelling discusses her experience with loyalty programs and her tendency to forget to use points. She shares her strategy for maximizing benefits and her encounter with fellow comedian Kara Williams in an airport lounge.
The "Beth" Syndrome and the Importance of Using Benefits
Beth Stelling reflects on her own tendency to feel undeserving of benefits and her discomfort in airport lounges. She shares her experience of having a meal with Alex Edelman in an international lounge.
Busting Balls and the Dynamics of Comedy Relationships
Beth Stelling discusses her relationship with Alex Edelman, acknowledging that she can "bust his balls" and that he's aware of it. She shares a story about a comic she dated who would openly tell him he didn't want to talk to him.
The Power of Live Performances and the Importance of Humanness
Beth Stelling discusses the power of live performances and the importance of humanness in comedy. She shares her experience of watching a live performance by Tom Petty and how it impacted her.
The Importance of Using Points and the Value of International Lounges
Beth Stelling discusses the importance of using loyalty program points and the value of international airport lounges. She shares her experience of having a meal in a lounge in Melbourne.
Field Hockey and the Persistence of Passion
Beth Stelling shares her experience of playing field hockey as an adult, revealing that she made the U.S. women's Masters field hockey team and played in the Pan Am Continental Cup. She discusses the percentage of women who stick with field hockey after their youth.
A Field Hockey Incident and the Lasting Impact of Trauma
Beth Stelling recounts a field hockey incident from her junior high days where she accidentally injured a classmate's ankle. She reflects on the lasting impact of the event and how it still affects her.
The "In Crew" and the Fear of Embarrassment
Beth Stelling discusses her experience attending a high school reunion and her reluctance to perform stand-up in front of her former classmates. She reflects on the fear of embarrassment and the triggers that can arise from such situations.
The Importance of Boundaries and the Power of Authenticity
Beth Stelling discusses the importance of setting boundaries and the power of authenticity in comedy. She shares her experience of being asked to perform stand-up at a reunion and her decision to decline, recognizing the potential for awkwardness and the importance of staying true to herself.
The "Real Me" and the Importance of Authenticity
Beth Stelling reflects on her evolution as a comedian and the emergence of her "real self" on stage. She shares an experience where she had to tell a heckler to stop talking, recognizing the importance of authenticity and setting boundaries.
The Importance of Learning from Others and Setting Boundaries
Beth Stelling discusses the importance of learning from other comedians and setting boundaries. She shares her experience of watching a comedian lose control and her own experience of kicking a heckler out of a show.
The Power of Confrontation and the Importance of Human Connection
Beth Stelling discusses the power of confrontation and the importance of human connection. She shares an experience where she confronted a heckler who was yelling about her hating men, drawing inspiration from Bell Hooks' concept of the "will to change."
The Nuances of Gaslighting and the Importance of Clarity
Beth Stelling discusses the nuances of gaslighting and the importance of clarity in communication. She reflects on the overuse of the term and the need to differentiate between genuine gaslighting and simple lying.
The Human Element in Breakups and the Importance of Empathy
Beth Stelling discusses the human element in breakups and the importance of empathy. She argues that breakups often involve more than just one person's actions and that it's important to recognize the complexities of human relationships.
The Overuse of Psychological Terms and the Importance of Self-Awareness
Beth Stelling discusses the overuse of psychological terms and the importance of self-awareness. She reflects on the need for clarity and shared understanding when using such terms and the importance of recognizing the nuances of individual experiences.
Trauma, Compartmentalization, and the Ongoing Nature of Healing
Beth Stelling discusses the complexities of trauma and the ongoing nature of healing. She acknowledges that the most traumatic event may not always be the one that has the most lasting impact and that compartmentalization can lead to later resurgences of trauma.
The Difference Between Haunting and Emotional Makeup
Beth Stelling explores the difference between trauma haunting someone and it being a part of their emotional makeup. She acknowledges that even if someone believes they've worked through a trauma, it may still affect their life in a negative way.
Triggers, Overreaction, and the Importance of Self-Control
Beth Stelling discusses the challenges of dealing with triggers and the importance of self-control. She reflects on the difficulty of distinguishing between genuine triggers and overreactions and the need to avoid making assumptions.
The Relativity of Discomfort and the Importance of Processing
Beth Stelling discusses the relativity of discomfort and the importance of processing emotions. She acknowledges that she's always been uncomfortable with certain things and that her brain has learned to adapt to those feelings.
The Importance of Public Discourse and Acceptance
Beth Stelling discusses the importance of public discourse about trauma and the need to normalize the experience. She emphasizes the importance of accepting that everyone is flawed and that it's okay to be "a little fucked up."
The Multi-Pronged Approach to Well-Being
Beth Stelling discusses the multi-pronged approach to well-being, acknowledging that multiple factors contribute to a person's overall health and happiness. She emphasizes the importance of addressing all aspects of one's life to achieve a sense of balance.
The Lasting Impact of Trauma and the Importance of Acceptance
Beth Stelling reflects on the lasting impact of trauma and the importance of acceptance. She acknowledges that she wishes she could go back to a time when she felt unscathed by the world but recognizes that trauma is a part of her and that she can't escape it.
Emotional Marks and the Difficulty of Setting Boundaries
Beth Stelling discusses the concept of emotional marks and the difficulty of setting boundaries around them. She argues that trauma can leave a lasting imprint on a person's emotional landscape and that it's difficult to fully erase those marks.
The Importance of Intimacy and the Search for Healing
Beth Stelling discusses the difference between drama and intimacy and the importance of finding healthy ways to connect with others. She reflects on her own experiences with past partners and the tendency to seek out unhealthy relationships.
Defining Trauma and the Impact of Intimate Partner Abuse
Beth Stelling discusses the most traumatic experiences that have shaped her life, including intimate partner abuse and the fear of being hurt by those she loves. She acknowledges that these experiences have had a profound impact on her emotional landscape.
Childhood Trauma and the Impact of Mental Illness
Beth Stelling reveals a deeply personal and previously undisclosed story about her father's mental illness and his attempt to kill her mother and kidnap her and her sisters. She shares the details of the event and its lasting impact on her life.
The Impact of Grandparents and the Importance of Boundaries
Beth Stelling discusses the impact of living with her grandparents after her father's attempt to kill her mother. She describes the strict environment and the lasting effects of those experiences on her adulthood.
The Importance of Forgiveness and the Complexity of Family Relationships
Beth Stelling reflects on her relationship with her father and the importance of forgiveness. She acknowledges the complexity of family relationships and the challenges of navigating a history of trauma.
The Importance of Sharing Stories and the Power of Connection
Beth Stelling discusses the importance of sharing stories and the power of connection. She acknowledges that her story is not unique and that many people have experienced similar traumas. She emphasizes the importance of finding support and understanding from others.
The Complexity of Addiction and the Importance of Empathy
Beth Stelling discusses the complexity of addiction and the importance of empathy. She acknowledges that addiction is not a choice and that it's important to approach those struggling with addiction with compassion and understanding.
The Impact of Mental Illness and the Importance of Acceptance
Beth Stelling discusses the impact of mental illness on her family and the importance of acceptance. She shares her father's diagnosis of manic depression and the challenges of navigating his mental health struggles.
The Importance of Sharing Stories and the Power of Vulnerability
Beth Stelling discusses the importance of sharing stories and the power of vulnerability. She acknowledges that stand-up comedy can only cover so much and that it's important to find other outlets for processing trauma.
The Intergenerational Transmission of Trauma
Beth Stelling discusses the intergenerational transmission of trauma, arguing that children can inherit the same processing mechanisms as their parents, even without knowing the details of their parents' experiences.
The Importance of Timing and the Power of Therapy
Beth Stelling discusses the importance of timing and the power of therapy in processing trauma. She acknowledges that there's a time and place for sharing personal stories and that her early stand-up routines served as a form of therapy.
The Importance of Boundaries and the Complexity of Family Relationships
Beth Stelling discusses the importance of setting boundaries in family relationships and the complexity of navigating those relationships. She reflects on the challenges of sharing her story and the potential impact on her current relationships.
The Importance of Truth and the Need for Empathy
Beth Stelling discusses the importance of truth and the need for empathy in family relationships. She shares her father's perspective on her mother's alleged affair and the need to understand the complexities of their relationship.
The Importance of Recognizing the Harm of Killing
Beth Stelling emphasizes the importance of recognizing the harm of killing and the need to condemn violence in all its forms. She uses the opportunity to state her opposition to killing and to encourage listeners to do the same.
The Importance of Boundaries and the Power of Humor
Beth Stelling discusses the importance of setting boundaries and the power of humor in dealing with difficult family dynamics. She acknowledges that she doesn't want to talk about her father's personal life and that she uses humor to cope with those experiences.
Navigating Relationships and Trauma
Beth discusses her experiences with relationships and how childhood trauma has impacted her choices. She talks about her mother's resilience and her own journey of self-discovery.
Speaking Out Against Abuse
Beth shares her experience of speaking out against abuse in the comedy community. She discusses the challenges of being a victim and the importance of warning others.
The Impact of Childhood Trauma
Beth delves deeper into how childhood trauma and upbringing can shape our choices and relationships. She reflects on her own codependency and the patterns she's observed in her life.
Setting Boundaries and Healing
Beth discusses the difficulty of setting boundaries with people who exhibit similar patterns of behavior. She talks about her journey of healing and how she's learned to be more self-aware.
Fear of Love and Erasure
Beth explores her fear of love and the possibility of being erased by a partner. She connects this fear to her childhood experiences and the consuming nature of her parents' love.
Aging, Intimacy, and Body Image
Beth discusses the complexities of aging, intimacy, and body image. She shares her perspective on the pressure to conform to societal standards and her own choice to embrace her natural self.
Politics and Representation
Beth briefly touches on her views on the presidential election and the importance of representation. She expresses her excitement about the current administration and its potential for positive change.
Keywords
NUM App
NUM is a weight loss app that provides personalized plans based on individual needs, dietary restrictions, and medical issues. It uses a psychology and biology-based approach to help users achieve their weight loss goals.
Beth Stelling
Beth Stelling is a comedian known for her Netflix special "If You Didn't Want Me Then" and her writing for the HBO show "Crashing." She also co-hosts the podcast "Sweet Hearts" with Mo Welch.
Simply Safe Home Security
Simply Safe is a home security system that offers 24/7 monitoring, providing peace of mind for homeowners. It features live guard protection, allowing agents to respond to alarms within 5 seconds and even see and speak to intruders.
Tom Petty
Tom Petty was an American singer-songwriter and musician known for his rock and roll music. He was the frontman for the band Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers and released numerous successful albums throughout his career.
Bell Hooks
Bell Hooks was an American author, feminist, and social activist known for her work on race, gender, and class. She wrote extensively on the experiences of Black women and the intersection of social justice issues.
Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which a person seeks to sow seeds of doubt in a victim's mind, making them question their own sanity. It often involves denying reality, contradicting the victim, and minimizing their experiences.
Trauma
Trauma is a deeply distressing or disturbing experience that can have a lasting impact on a person's mental and emotional health. It can be caused by a variety of events, including violence, abuse, accidents, and natural disasters.
Addiction
Addiction is a chronic disease characterized by compulsive drug seeking and use, despite harmful consequences. It can affect a person's physical, mental, and social well-being.
Mental Illness
Mental illness is a broad term that refers to a range of conditions that affect a person's thinking, feeling, and behavior. It can include conditions such as depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, and schizophrenia.
Q&A
What is the NUM app and how does it work?
The NUM app is a weight loss plan that provides personalized plans based on individual needs, dietary restrictions, and medical issues. It uses a psychology and biology-based approach to help users achieve their weight loss goals.
What is Beth Stelling's most recent Netflix special called?
Beth Stelling's most recent Netflix special is called "If You Didn't Want Me Then."
What is Simply Safe home security and what are its benefits?
Simply Safe is a home security system that offers 24/7 monitoring, providing peace of mind for homeowners. It features live guard protection, allowing agents to respond to alarms within 5 seconds and even see and speak to intruders.
What is the intergenerational transmission of trauma and how does it affect individuals?
Intergenerational transmission of trauma refers to the phenomenon where trauma experienced by one generation can be passed down to subsequent generations, affecting their mental and emotional health. Children can inherit the same processing mechanisms as their parents, even without knowing the details of their parents' experiences.
How does Beth Stelling use humor to cope with her experiences?
Beth Stelling uses humor to cope with her experiences by sharing her stories in a way that is both funny and relatable. She acknowledges that humor can be a powerful tool for processing trauma and connecting with others.
What is Beth Stelling's perspective on the importance of setting boundaries in family relationships?
Beth Stelling believes that setting boundaries is essential for maintaining healthy relationships with family members. She acknowledges that it can be challenging to navigate complex family dynamics, but she emphasizes the importance of protecting oneself and establishing clear limits.
What is Beth Stelling's message about the importance of empathy and understanding when dealing with addiction?
Beth Stelling believes that it's important to approach those struggling with addiction with empathy and understanding. She acknowledges that addiction is not a choice and that it's crucial to offer support and compassion to those who are struggling.
What is Beth Stelling's perspective on the impact of mental illness on individuals and families?
Beth Stelling recognizes the significant impact that mental illness can have on individuals and families. She shares her own experiences with her father's mental health struggles and the challenges of navigating those experiences. She emphasizes the importance of acceptance and support for those living with mental illness.
How does Beth Stelling use her platform to promote open dialogue about trauma?
Beth Stelling uses her platform to promote open dialogue about trauma by sharing her own experiences and encouraging others to do the same. She believes that it's important to normalize the experience of trauma and to create a space for people to feel heard and understood.
What is Beth Stelling's message about the importance of self-care and well-being?
Beth Stelling emphasizes the importance of self-care and well-being, acknowledging that it's a multi-pronged approach that involves addressing all aspects of one's life. She encourages listeners to prioritize their own mental and emotional health and to seek support when needed.
Show Notes
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