Have you said "yes" to sex out of guilt, obligation, fear, or exhaustion?



Have you said "yes" to sex after saying no repeatedly?



Have you said "yes" to sex because it was easier to just get it over with, rather than deal with the sulking, anger, threats, and punishments?



Jane Gilmore, author and consent educator, is on the BTR.ORG podcast, empowering women to understand that consent is not "giving a yes" - in fact, your coerced "yes" was the result of abuse. Read the full transcript below and listen this podcast episode for more.

What Consent IS

Consent is about when both people actively want to share touch.



Jane Gilmore, author and consent educator

Your desire is everything when it comes to consent. If you don't want to actively share touch with the other person involved, you are not giving your consent - no matter what else has transpired.

What Consent is NOT



* Saying yes because you've been sleep deprived and will only be allowed sleep if you say yes

* Saying yes after repeatedly saying "no"

* Saying yes out of fear of punishment

* Saying neither no or yes

* Freezing or going limp

* Saying "no" or "wait" after the sexual experience has begun

* Saying yes in order to protect children, pets, or others from violence and/or other forms of abuse



This is the Takeaway:

It's not about giving or getting permission, it's not about getting a yes.



Jane Gilmore, author and consent educator

If your husband or partner considers consent to have occurred after he has:



* deprived you of sleep

* sulked

* threatened you

* physically hurt you

* "persuaded" you after you have expressed that you are not interested

* continued to push you after you have said no

* promised to stop if you say no, but claims he didn't hear you



Then you are not in a safe situation. You are experiencing sexual abuse.

BTR.ORG Is Here For You

We know how devastating and confusing it is to learn the truth about consent when you have experienced marital rape, sexual coercion, and sexual assault in your own committed relationship. We are here to help you.



Our BTR.ORG Group Sessions are a safe place to process your trauma. Attend a session today.







Full Transcript:

Anne (00:00 ):

I am honored to have Jane Gilmore on today's episode. She is an author, journalist, feminist, and a consent educator. She's been researching and writing about the causes and effects of violence and poverty for over a decade and is now also delivering consent and respectful relationships education in Australian schools. Jane has a master of journalism from the University of Melbourne and is an award-winning journalist who has been commissioned by the Age, the Sydney Morning Herald, the Guardian, the Saturday Paper, and many other outlets. In 2014, she started the Fixed It campaign and we're going to be talking about that in today's episode. Welcome Jane.



Jane Gilmore (00:41 ):

Thank you so much for having me.

Consent in Conjunction with Pornography Use

Anne (00:44 ):

Jane has joined us from Australia, so I'm very excited to have her today. We are going to talk about consent and then she's also going to be joining me for another episode talking about the media. So we're just going to start with consent. It's something that we talk about on this podcast all the time, especially in conjunction with pornography use when a woman's not aware of all the sexual stuff that her husband is doing and she's not informed enough to give consent. Let's really dive into consent today.

Jane,