Have you asked yourself, "Is my husband manipulating me into sex, or did I actually want to do that?"



Identifying abuse on any level can be very difficult - but identifying sexual coercion in an intimate relationship can feel impossible.



Jane Gilmore is back on the BTR.ORG podcast sharing her expertise on consent - tune into the podcast and read the full transcript below for more.

Am I a Victim of Sexual Coercion?

If your husband has used manipulation to coerce you into sex, you may feel confused, embarrassed, and have trouble knowing for certain what actually happened. Here are some questions you can ask yourself that Jane outlined throughout her interview with Anne that may help you gain clarity:



* Did your husband do something that you are afraid to tell others?

* Did something happen that you are ashamed to tell others?

* Did you experience fear prior to the sexual experience or feel you needed to walk on eggshells around him so that he didn't snap? 

* Did you find yourself wondering, 'Is this normal?' 'Do other husbands do this to their wives?'

* Did he claim that he was going to be in physical pain if you didn't have sex with him? 

* Did he say the right things prior to the experience, but you felt unsettled and unsafe during the sexual experience?



Did I WANT to do That?

He's got to be somebody that you want to have sex with and that's on him. It's not on you to take responsibility for what he does.



- Jane Gilmore, author and consent educator

You may be experiencing sexual coercion if you "want" to have sex with him because:



* A sexual addiction recovery program leader/sponsor/manual/member has told you that it's your responsibility to provide your husband with sex.

* A religious leader/program has overtly told you or intimated that you should be having more sex with your husband.

* You're afraid that if you don't have sex with him, he will seek it elsewhere (even if he's never said it out loud).

* You understand sex as a way to manage his abusiveness - if you have sex, he'll be kinder.



In these situations, you're having sex with your husband in order to protect yourself - and that's not the kind of desire that is equivalent to real consent.





BTR.ORG Is Here For You

Our BTR.ORG Group Sessions are a safe place to ask questions, process trauma, and express your emotions. Please attend a Group Session today and begin your journey to safety.







Full Transcript:

Anne (00:01 ):

Welcome to BTR.ORG. This is Anne. Jane Gilmore is back on today's episode. If you didn't listen to last week, listen to that first so you get an introduction to who she is and then join us here. We were talking about grooming and we are going to just continue that conversation.



Now, grooming in and of itself is abuse. So he was abusive the entire time, but just sometimes it felt good and sometimes it felt terrible.



Jane Gilmore (01:49 ):

And it's also about that feeling of always walking on eggshells. He could turn at any minute, so even if he's being sweet, you're still a little wary. You're still always guarding, you're still always checking because he can turn on a dime and you never know when that's going to happen. So that's also part of the abuse: keeping you hyper-vigilant and walking on eggshells all the time.

And again, if you're looking for those signs, Is this abusive? I'm not sure, if you're scared, if you never know how he's going to react,