DiscoverThe BTR.ORG Podcast - Betrayal Trauma RecoveryWhen Your Husband Doesn’t Help With Housework
When Your Husband Doesn’t Help With Housework

When Your Husband Doesn’t Help With Housework

Update: 2023-05-23


When your husband doesn't help with housework, takes a backseat to parenting (except to yell at and control the children), and controls the finances (despite the fact that you contribute financially to the family, whether by your income or the labor that you offer to keep the family comfortable), you may be experiencing coercive control.

Sarah McDugal is on the podcast with Anne, and together they're breaking down what equality actually means in a partnership. Tune in to the BTR.ORG Podcast and read the full transcript below for more.

Equality Means That Both Partners Contribute to Domestic Labor Tasks

In many abusive marriages, women do the majority, if not all, of the housework.

Abusive men feel entitled to a home life where they are served by their wife and children. They choose to see women as subservient - and may back this entitlement up with:

* Spiritual abuse, citing misogynistic scripture.

* Their income, stating that because they make money, they shouldn't have to do housework.

* Weaponized incompetence, claiming that they don't know how, or were never taught, how to do domestic labor, such as dishes or mopping.

* "Benevolent patriarchy," which is similar to weaponized incompetence. Abusers may use manipulative praise to convince the victim that since she is better at domestic labor, she should be the one doing it.

When Your Husband Doesn't Help With Housework, You Don't Have to Internalize the Misogyny

It is very easy to internalize the abuser's narrative when he tries to convince you that he's right and that everyone agrees with him that it's your job to the majority of the household tasks.

This is misogyny, and it's not your responsibility to internalize it.

Rather than accept the abuser's narrative, you can set and live by safety boundaries to separate yourself from the abuser's harm.

How is Housework Handled in Healthy Relationships?

"Each partner is using whatever power they do have for the betterment, the protection and the uplifting of the other partner and of the home and family as a whole."

Sarah McDugal, author

Healthy men are equally involved in household labor.

In healthy relationships, couples divide household labor according to what they're interested in, what works with each individual schedule, and what needs to get done.

Rather than assigning tasks based on traditional gender roles, couples take into account personal capacity and their individual talents. For example, if one spouse enjoys cooking, they may generally be in charge of preparing dinner, while the other spouse may usually take care of yard work. Spouses may take turns cleaning bathrooms, or clean them together on Saturdays.

Ultimately, couples work together to make sure that household tasks are completed, without competing and comparing who has the heavier load. Couples in healthy relationships trust each other and know that neither spouse will experience burn-out because they can communicate and care for each other.

BTR.ORG Is Here For You

Abusive relationships drain victims of emotional and physical energy. You deserve validation, support, and compassion. Attend a BTR.ORG Group Session today.

Full Transcript:

Anne (00:00 ):

Welcome to BTR.ORG. This is Anne. On today's episode, we have, my dear, dear friend Sarah McDugal. You can find her on Facebook. I love Sarah, she's been on...








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When Your Husband Doesn’t Help With Housework

When Your Husband Doesn’t Help With Housework

Anne Blythe