Is it my fault that my husband is angry?



That he secretly uses porn?



That he yells at the kids and sometimes hurts them (and our pets)?



That he closes off emotionally?



That he says he's sexually frustrated?



Because I feel like it's my fault... but I also feel like something's off.

It's Not Your Fault. But We Understand Why You Feel That Way.

When you start to look for it, suddenly it's almost like it's everywhere. Women are responsible for men's choices. We drive them to it, right? We make them so angry, so jealous that they just lose control and then it's our fault. But actually, if you think about it, the reverse would never be true. And it's not true. On the very, very rare occasions that women do commit violence, 'they're monsters', 'they're evil', 'there is no excuse.' But we don't talk about men in the same way because of this idea that women drive men to the terrible choices that they make.



Jane Gimore, Consent Educator

Jane Gilmore is back on the BTR.ORG Podcast with Anne, explaining why you feel that way AND why none of his behaviors and feelings are your fault. Listen to the podcast and read the full transcript below.

Behavior is a CHOICE - Yes, Even Your Husband's Behavior

Abusive men will blame everything and everyone for their behavior, rather than themselves. They'll blame:



* Their upbringing

* Their mental health

* Their wife's sexual health and or/habits

* Their own sex drive

* Their children's behavior

* Their "trauma"

* Their "addictions"

* Their stress

* Their church

* Racism

* Alcohol & drugs

* Their work situation

* Society

* Their parents

* Their siblings

* Poor anger management skills



But behavior is a CHOICE. It's always a CHOICE.

How Do We Know Behavior Is a Choice? It's Simple:

When people will say to me, 'Sometimes you just lose control and sometimes you get so angry you can't stop yourself,' I reply, 'Okay, sure, but how do they behave in front of other people? Almost 99% of the time, an abusive man is not abusive in front of other people. He does it in private, which means he's choosing, which means he can control it.'



Jane Gilmore, Consent Educator

If he can choose not to be abusive, he is choosing to be abusive. It's that simple.





You Deserve Safety. We Can Help.

We understand the pain that comes with realizing that your husband has been blaming YOU and EVERYTHING and EVERYONE ELSE for his abusiveness and sexual betrayals. Please know that we want you to be safe and experience peace. Our BTR.ORG Group Sessions are a safe space for you to process trauma and find a community of women who get it. Attend a session today. 

Full Transcript:

Anne (00:00 ):

Jane and I are continuing our conversation. We actually recorded this long ago and it's airing now. I didn't realize that I would have personal experience with this particular topic. When we recorded this in May, my good friend Leah Moses called and told me that her son had been murdered by her husband, Parth Gandhi. So you can look this up. I was on the news quite a bit and our social media covered it. The news did a terrible job. They took the court documents and they said, "Oh, this was a prolonged legal battle, and they couldn't figure out who the perpetrator was",