The 3 Words That Can Diffuse Almost Any Argument

Episode Overview:

What if three simple words could change the entire trajectory of a conflict? In this powerful and vulnerable episode, Scott and Kristen Boss unpack the surprising phrase that has the potential to de-escalate tension, regulate your nervous system, and build stronger connections — whether you're in a romantic relationship, navigating friendships, or managing tough conversations at work.

Drawing from personal experience and psychological insight, they explore why conflict escalates, how our stress responses shape our reactions, and what it takes to “fight clean.” Whether you tend to fight, flee, freeze, or fawn, this conversation will help you recognize your own patterns and give you practical tools to stay connected — even in the messiest moments.

What You'll Learn:

• Why “Help me understand” is the ultimate de-escalation phrase
• The 4 types of stress responses in conflict: Fight, Flight, Freeze, and Fawn
• How childhood and family dynamics shape your conflict style
• What “fighting clean” really looks like in a healthy relationship
• The science behind emotional regulation and effective communication
• How to use curiosity to stay connected and create space for repair

Real-Life Moments & Relatable Humor:

Expect heartfelt storytelling, moments of laughter (yes, including “spirit fingers”), and honest reflections from Scott and Kristen’s marriage and parenting experiences. You’ll walk away with a new lens on conflict and feel equipped with language that fosters deeper understanding.

Happy Well Homework:

1. Reflect on a recent conflict — what was your stress response?
2. In your next tough moment, take a breath and ask: “Help me understand.”
3. Practice using the phrase in everyday conversations to build your curiosity muscle.

Resources Mentioned:

• Take the free Stress Type Quiz to discover your go-to stress response and learn how to manage it better. sonderalife.com/podquiz

We also have an active community for listeners of The Pursuit of Happywell. Join our community on facebook: The Pursuit of Happywell Community or find the website at LiveHappywell.com

Timestamps:

• 00:00 – Intro
• A teaser that hints at the power of three simple words to change conflict dynamics.
• 00:33 – Welcome Back
• Kristen and Scott set the tone for the episode, with their signature humor and relatability.
• 01:07 – Why This Conversation Matters
• Acknowledging the discomfort many feel around conflict and why this episode can help.
• 02:07 – The 3 Words That Can Diffuse Conflict
• Hinting at the phrase and setting up the deeper conversation.
• 03:04 – Conflict Styles: Let’s Talk Marriage
• Sharing personal dynamics and funny “boxing ring” moments in their relationship.
• 04:12 – How Childhood Shapes Conflict Views
• Exploring how witnessing (or not witnessing) parental conflict influences adult behavior.
• 06:59 – Conflict Without Resolution = Loneliness
• Why shielding children from conflict may unintentionally create shame or disconnection.
• 08:25 – Why Conflict Escalates So Quickly
• The difference between seeing conflict as a battleground vs. a bridge to connection.
• 10:52 – Personal Story: Feeling Unheard
• Kristen shares an early marriage experience of raising her voice out of a stress response.
• 12:01 – The 4 Stress Responses Explained
• Fight, Flight, Freeze, Fawn — and how each one shows up in arguments.
• 20:14 – The Biology of Conflict & Reactivity
• Understanding the brain’s survival mode and how we default to training.
• 21:53 – The 3 Words Revealed: “Help Me Understand”
• Why they work, how to use them effectively, and how tone matters.
• 24:41 – Why Curiosity Is the Secret to Diffusion
• Using these words to create emotional safety and open communication.
• 25:56 – Practical Examples
• Turning blame into inquiry, using better language in heated moments.
• 28:12 – Kids, Miscommunication & Listening Skills
• Lessons learned from parenting about storytelling, perception, and repair.
• 30:10 – Avoiding Passive Aggression & Fighting Dirty
• How to keep the conversation respectful and focused on connection.
• 36:30 – How “Help Me Understand” Helps Each Stress Type
• Breaking down how the phrase regulates Fight, Flight, Freeze, and Fawn responses.
• 39:23 – Staying Present in Conflict
• How to use this approach to build secure attachment and deeper intimacy.
• 40:54 – Happy Well Homework
• Your action steps for reflecting on past conflict and practicing the three-word tool.
• 43:39 – Closing & Resources
• How to take the free Stress Type Quiz and join the conversation online.